Long weekend

So its Monday, a longweekend Monday. Cold, wet, miserable Monday. Hubby up becasue he wanted to "clean this filthy house". This seems to be his mantra, said to himself, actually aimed at me. Honestly does he think I don't get he is aiming it at me. So the ususal stomping around, huffing and puffing begings. Me vaccuning the lungeroom out of guilt becasue I don;t know what else to do, the kids cleaning their rooms, which are disgustingly untidy and I have been nagging them all week to clean. The atmosphere in the house is one of walking on eggshells yet again, a cranky husband, kids cleaning when they would rather be making more mess, me trying to help and actually seeming to just get in the way. I hate days like this, I hate the inuendos, I hate being made to feel guilty, like I don;t pull my weight, and I am a lazy good for nothing hopeless housewife. then throw in the fact that he has worked hours and hours of overtime this week so we can pay bills. the cost of living has climbed really high but wages have not, especially when you are on one wage, and so living has become a real issue now. I will soon be getting rid of my mobile phine. I don;t need it, I will buy outright a $49 cheap and nasty and buy credit monthly. I think I will also have a big pagan garage sale and sell off all my beloved pagan treasures all except a few items, then should help as well. Maybe I will just go get a job and not tell anyone I have medical problems, and work untill I can no longer walk anymore. tonight is one of those nights I could just disappear, its all too hard and my heart hurts more than my physical pain.

Alone again naturally

Yes the title of a song I actually really like. :). I sat up last night drinking and talking to some good freinds, drinking talking crying. Hubby got home from bed and was a little surprised I think ay how many empty bottles were collected on the table (I don't normally drink). We went to bed I was drunk and high from taking too many pain killers and oh so sad. I cried and cried, and sobbed and tried to tell him how I felt and messed it up. I got out I am in pain, and sick of it, I got out I want to disappear, I rambled he listened not saying much of anything he just held me, and I sobbed. I basically told him I loved him but it was ok to leave if he wanted, he said her didn;t want to ever leave me. There was so much more I wanted to say, should have said, but the mess I am could just lay there and shake and sob uncontrollably. He was tired, he works long hard hours, I said I was going to get up and have another drink, he said no I want you to stay here in my arms safe. To day he has gone on a work social function, its been planned for a few weeks, it will be a big night and he does not know if he is even coming home...........I didn;t want to be home alone, I still don;t. ihave called around to see what friends are doing but they are all busy, of course they are, they have lives and fun. I don;t want to be alone tonight, I am afraid of being alone, I don't want this anymore

Always in pain of some sort

Yes thats me always in pain be in mental or physical although these days its mostly physical. Funny thing about pain, you can;t see it, and you can't describe it except to say it hurts and when it goes on for days and days on end it gets you down. Thtas when they start talking about coping technicques. Well screw that I want a magic cure and be pain fecking free just like the many others who suffer pain. Mine is lower back pain, and like millions around the globe it really gets you down after a while. There are only so many Valium and morphine based drugs you can take, and throw in I am on warfarin on top of that and it becomes a night pare to manage pain with medication. Not to mention those who simply do not believe that you are in pain in the first place, or that it is aas bad as it is.........get over it, do more things and it will get better, loose weight (always a favoroite of mine) and magically all the pain will go away. Went to the GP today and told her I wanted to stop all my medications, she told me it was a bad idea....asked me why and I told her becasue I have had enough and want to open a vein........no one listens to me, no one close to me understands. We live on one wage, I am sure people think I simply do not want to work..........I do but I know it will kill me, I can only work 20 hours a week, I have multipal medical problems, I have to do a job that lets me get up and wander about when I need to. I am 46 years old..........yes there are simply 100's of job opportunities out there for me.......It hurts me to drive the friggin car becasue it hurts to sit down, right now typing this my back is hurting but my legs are aching so bad I would cut the feckers off with a chainsaw if I had one handy. Hubby says you need to exercise, you can walk the dog she needs exercise too. Thing is I will do it becasue he does not understand how much it hurts to be pulled along by the dog.......he simply does not get that it will cripple me , my back legs and hips. He just does not understand, he thinks I am making it up or exaggerating I am sure, his answer do it more and it will get better, problem is it doesn;t it gets worse, so very much worse. I do some house work, vaccume, cleand ect becasue he is forever dropping hints at how dirty the house is and he has to do all the cleaning. So the guilt trip I am already on becomes 100% worse. So I do what I should be doing. It hurts like a son of a bitch, I pop pills and become a cranky withdrawn bitch in pain. Once again it does not get easy the more you do it it gets worse.....so much worse. How do you explain to people I am not being lazy. I do want to help you, it just hurts like a mother fucker, and will do so for the next 3 days or so knowing you will get the look that says..........sure it will. Today I told all this to my GP, she upped my pain killers to morning and night and valium as well as night, panadol 2 tabs 3 times a day, so now I am a pill junkie as well, wonder what that will do to my already screwed up head. Told her about my shocking memory loss, forgetting names of simple household items, names of places, even my own last name. She told me its a mix of the pain killers and anxiety. Thats just great. I love sleep and wake thinking nooooooooo not yet, I don;t want it to be another day already. I don;t want to live like this anymore. I don;t want to be invisible and not listened to anymore. :(

Well its been almost 12 months since I came close toloosing Jarrah to a teeny tiny critter called a tick. Then I got lazy, and couldn't be bothered writing what I thought. My thoughts were not that interesting anyway, and as usualy they were scattered, like leaves in a breeze, all over the place. Perfectly coherent in my head , but as soon as I tried to place them out of my head they turn to rambleings of nothing, so I stopped. Buth this morning, as the sun shines and I find myself home alone, I feel as though I am drowning, and I have so much to say, well in my head I do, many words, many things, but getting them from my head to anywhere else is a real challenge, and still I feel like I can;t treat water for much longer. its funny people say whats wrong, and I say nothing.......becasue in all honesty I have no idea how to answer. what do you say, everything, nothing, I don;t know, becasue its not one thing, its many many things and jumbled together, all spinning together faster and faster, and somethinges something else gets added to the mix, and it never stops. Perhaps its just me, perhaps I am just a drama queen and should just "get on with it", that thought crosses my mind daily. I seem to be coming increasingly invisable, and although I have never activly thought about topping myself (Guilt would never let me do it) I o ften think about just not being here anymore, and if anyone would actually really miss me deep down after the normal mourning period. This thought is almost a daily thought now, but it will never happen becasue People would get angry at me, and so guilt makes me not take the thoughts any further. Good ole me always thinking of everyone else and making sure I do whatever it takes to make them happy. Cause thats what you do right? I suspect its not really ok to be sad every day, to cry at nothing at random times. To thinnk about stopping all my meds becasue I know it will either kill me or make me really really sick..........but if you ask me whats wrong, don;t expect me to tell you. I will answer I am good. Becasue I am still upreight and breathing, I still get up in the mornings and function, and becasue I really don;t want to discuss how broken I actually am with anyone, so for now I will keep treading water, untill I sink.

Why?

"you are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
you make me happy when skies are gray,
you'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don;t take my sunshine away"


Jarrah is my sunshine, and she may be taken away becasue of a fucking tick. My worst nightmare come true. I did all the right things, she had a collar, I was carful, or so I thought. Today when I came in from Shopping she seemed to be stumbling about, like she was drunk. I noticed immediately something was wrong, and somewhere in the back of my mind TICK screamed at me. She was still bright bubbly and alert, just clumsy, and panting...heavy. I started to panic, hubby was in bed still from night duty, I called Jarrah into the bedroom and onto the bed, as soon as she couldn't jump onto the bed I knew and panic set in and I cried and cried while she watched me with her sad golden eyes. I checked very sing inch of her looking for the fucking thing, I couldn;t find it anywhere, I tried to keep her calm, to slow the spread of its poison. I called the vets in barley contained tears and we took her up. I knew to treat her was going to cost $1k, or she would die.

After 4 of us searching her we finally found it on her should a huge tick,I was relieved, angry, and devistated all at the same time. The vet told us she would worse before she got better, the next 24hours was critical. She would not be leaving the vets untill she could walk, eat and drink normally. They had to shave her.....My beautiful Russet husky had to be shaved. So tonight she can no longer walk at all, she is alone heavily sedated. She is shaved, probably scared out of her mind, and I want to be be with her so she knows its all ok.

She is so much more than a dog to me, no one would understand that, she understands me and I her, she is my friend, not my pet. I am completley shattered by what is happening to her, and the thought of loosing her is scary because I think I would slip into a very dark hole, she was given to me at a much needed time and I still need her.

My head hurts so much from crying and I can;t seem to stop.

The vert said she was the third dog today bought in with a tick, most unusual becasue it is too cold for ticks, and on a husly really unusual as they normally can;t get to their skin thru their fur especially their winter coats.

Please Gaia watch over my baby tonight wrap her in your cloak and keep her safe, bring her back to me where she belongs.

creeping back in

So the stress has started to creep back in. I am still trying to hold it back but by the gods its hard. we are broke, no monet at all and no food broke. Next month or so is going to be really really tough and both kids need new school shoes and my meds are low as well. I am trying really hard not to think about it, doing the it will be ok we will be looked after thin, but DH is started to show the cranky stressed side again and it is sooooooo hard. I am going to go to my GP and find out if there is anything I can take that will enable me to be able to o back to work without cripling back pain, a pain killer to mask it. I knwow thats not really an answer but realisically we need both of us to work at the moment, and this is the only way I can see it happening. *sigh* anyhoo wnough whinging.

I am on the lookout for a big old looking book so I can gather all my useful day to day rituals and spells into one big reference book of shadows. I have so many bits of paper, different bos, and information on my puta that I want to store it into one big book that I can reference when needed which seems to be a lot lately with helping people and finding stuff for them, as well as stumbling upon different interesting pieces of information, as yest I am too find what I am looking for, I am sure it is out there, it will make itself known to me when the time is right I guess. :-)

Well its off to job hunt, and sort through papers and stuff for me. :-)

back from holidays

So we are back we did a little over 4000k's in approx 4 days of driving in total and we drove the 3 states on the east coast of Australia. It was a good holiday, cold but good.

The first leg was Brisbane to Sydney done in 12 hours with many stops along the way. I don;t mind this trip, we have done it several times before and it is scenic and a rather nice drive. The girls were good and didn;t whinge at all. We stayed at my MIL for 2 days before we drove to Melbourne for the Big wedding.

The drive to Melbourne was Awful. It it long and boring as batshit, we went down the hume, and there are no little towns to stop at and very few rest stops. We need to stop every few hours becasue of my DVT risk so mostly we pulled over to the side of the road or truck stops where there was a table and a stinkly loo. It was also freezing cold. I have never been so glas to get out of the car as I was the night we arrived at Tals place.

The week in Melbourne was great. It was so nice to see Tal and Jase and be in a house full of people excited about the wedding. The wedding was absolutley beautiful even if I had a really heavy cold. I cried like a little baby when she walked down the isle (so did she) and I had to do a reading so trying to compose myself so I could do the readin was hard casue eveery time I looked at her I bawled. I fortold this wedding several years before in my cards when she was in a dificult relationship and I was so happy to see her so damn happy. So I was snotty, teary, and trying be be composed. All the children (mine and the photoraphers who is also a good friend) where in the row in front and did not help matters by watchin me the whole time laughing either. I did the reading and didn;t cry by simply not looking at the bride.
The next day the bride, Groom and Bridal party came back to the house for a BBQ and on the SUnday they left for their honey moon to America.

The Girls in their prety Dresses, I had them Made.



Dags and I all Gussied up.



All of us


Monday Dags and I took the girls to the Old Melbourne Jail, and to the Museum. Old Melbourne Jail was really interesting and very very sad. The feel inside that place was heavy, sad and dark. I have no doubts at all that there are still souls that wander within its stone walls. The Museum was fantastic, we all went seperate ways, I went to where the dinosaur bones were, the kids went to the kids hands on section and Dags went to see Farlap. We only had 90 mins in the museum but I could have easily spent all day there I loved it. The kids went on a tram in the city which they found absolutley fascinating. Before we knew it it was time to leave Melbourne and head home Via Bega where my BIL has recently bought a property.

So the long drive to Bega this time up the coast road. A much nicer and far more scenic route. We arrived in Bega about 8pm tired and once again very cold, thankful for a fire and dinner that they had for us. The next morning broke clear and what a beautiful sight. trees and mountains clear air, and the smell, just devine. on this property my BIL has a cahmere goat called cassie, chickens, a couple of dogs and a kitten. I instantly fell in love with bega and told hubby that I could very easily sell in Brisbane and move down here, and he agreed........shame there is no work at all except in the cheese factory and DH would grow very very bored with that as he is a very hands on kind of working man.

We went to see a dairy farmer friend of BIL who has the biggest dairy farm in Bega, and the girls got to see and pat 2 day old calfs that are being hand rared, the calfs even suckled on the girls fingers. While we were there they cows were being bought in for milking so we all got to see 200 cows being milked and a few also being artificially inseminated. It was fantastic, and a really good learning expierience for the girls. I am such a counrty girl at heart, I felt so much at home on the properties, so much at peace, I really dreaded to come home.


The Little calf we made friends with, who suckled our fingers



One of the girls I was having a nice chat to



Some of the girls waiting for the rest of the herd to srrive for milking


Way too soon it was time to leave Bega and head home stopping first at sydney for two days then driving back to Brisbane. I feld relaxed and happy, DH and I had not fought once, we were both happy and we were like we were before kids there was no stress I liked it and wanted it to stay. I started to feel nervous about going home with the bills awaiting us, me with no work, and all the stresses, and falling into the same old patterns, as this time away had been so nice.

We drove back to Sydney stayed for two days then drove home. Now we are back to normal routine, I am desperatley trying to hold on to the holiday stress free feeling, I called work yesterday and they have nothing for me untill end of July, so I have been busy looking for another job, Hubby went back to work last night. It was a wonderful holiday, I want to move to bega now LOL



Cassie the Goat