Another day Dawns

So another day is here. It is sunny outside and still very very cold. On Saturday we drive to Sydney then on to Melbourne for my dearest friend and sister/soulfriends wedding. I am excited to see her wed her beloved.

Today we finally finish getting the car serviced, it will have cost us a grand all up. Its a grand we simply did not have, we used all our savings for our holiday and borrowed the rest from my MIL. Now the car will be safe to drive. I uess its really the first major thing we have had to do to the car in 5 years though, rear brakes, front tyre barings, timing belt and other mechanical things I don;t understand that would have left us broken down at the side of the road had we decided not to have done the service.

Dags is taking the time off work without pay so we have to come up with 3 weeks mortgage payments, money for fuel for down and back, plus incidentals while we are down there. I have no idea how we are going to do this when as I type we are in a negative balance at the moment in the bank. Just somethine else that is stressing me out.

Yesterday we or a letrter from the tax department, seems I stuffed up another tax return on line and we are going to owe them money again like last year, more money to pay out, more money that we just don't have anywhere, more stress.

I have been thinking non stop about loosing weight, and being sick ect ect ect. I have found that since my little talk with the doctors I am not hungry much, and when I do eat I feel so guilty it is making me feel really really ill. I have fallen into a classic depression, I cry....alot at nothing I can be driving, or sitting, or making dinner and tears just come. Sometimes they just roll down my face and I don;t even realise untill they drip off.

Its very cold here I need some slippers, or some socks at least. might have to go get a pair of Dags socks on my feet....they are freezing.

dead by 60 thats the verdict

so I went to sydney to see my dear friend Kathryn who is the top in her field of Vascular Radiography and is in buisness with 2 of the best vascular surgeons in Australia. She scanned both my legs looking for veins that are not working properly (especially on the left where the DVT was) but also to see why my right foot keeps swelling as well. Also to get some advice from Dr Stevens who is one of her buisness partners and a brilliant and most respected vascular surgeon.

So Kathryn scans me and first surprise is she finds the remains of many clots in BOTH legs both below and above the knee. Now the clot (singular) in the left leg I knew about, so I was absolutely gob smacked when she said there were remenants of several clots in several veins in my left leg, and yes one of my veins was badly compromised, but also old clots in my upper thigh.

I almost fell over when she found old clots in my healthy right leg as well both in my calf and my thigh so that was the first surprise and at that moment I was glad to be on warfarin.

Then Dr stevens came in. He is a lovely lovely man, very gruff and rough around the edges, calls it as he sees it, but nice all the same, I like him a lot. He walked in and said hello there, my you are a big girl, big girls don't cry you know, to which I replied, its a myth this big girl cries a lot. :-).

Kath told him about the scan then him and I had a chat.
He basically told me I am going to be dead by 60 if certain things don;t happen. He told me I have some fairly serious health issues all exacibated by my weight, he also told me I need to loose at the very least 35 kilos and its not something I will be able to do on my own becasue of the mecications I am on, becasue of my metabalisim being mucked up by my graves disease and subsiquent radiation treatment, and becasue exercise is something that is going to be almost impossible becasue of my ankle and back. He said I would be able to loose about 10-15 kilos through diet and exercise but my body would more than likely not let me loose any more than that.

He also told me that I need to have my aneurysum coiled as I am never to come off warfarin and it is dangerous to leave while I am on warfarin. He said that becasue of the blood flow problems to my left foot it is only a matter of time before a ulcer forms and once that happens I am screwed, as it will never heal, and it will be just like the open weeping sores the very elderly get for the exact same reason.

He told me if I was his patient he would one get me lap banded and once I had dropped 35 kilo's, would coil the aneurysum and fix my ankle, he thinks just by doing these things my life expectancy will increase by 20 years..

So I can;t even begin to describe how I felt as I was hearing these words. Failure, worthless, guilty, stupid, devistated. I sat there listening wishing I could just die right there and then. He shook my hand, I thanked him for his time, and his advice and he left. Kathryn and I went back to her office and she started looking up lapband surgery while I sat there wishing I was anywhere else but there and feeling totally stupid.

Later Kath and I talked about everything and I cried and cried and cried. I will not do lapband surgery where the hell are we supposed to find that sort of money. I told DH this morning again bawling my eyes out.
I will try and do the weight loss myself, but there is so much more to it than just loosing weight, so many more demons to overcome.

So on thursday I am off to my GP armed with a report from Dr Stevens, and I will discuss with her further what he had to say.

Dr Stevens said if I ever have to have surgery no matter how small I will have to have the cava filter re inserted, He said that with the evidence showing I have had multipal clots in the past I am going to be a difficult patient, every doctors worst nightmare. :(

Easter is over, school is back, and its cold.

So the 5 day long weekend is over, the kids went back to school today, and finally it is COLD!. Yes I am a little weird becasue I like the cold. Have spend all day doing a whole lot of not much, called work and told them I can;t work on the 3rd becasue it is my Daughters birthday and she begged me not to work. I go to Sydney the next day to get the scans to see how my veins are holding up and see if I have any blockages anywhere as well.

My very good friend is doing the scans for me (this me going to Sydney) because she is the best radiographer in her field, and veins is her specialty. As I can't seem to get any answers here, I may just get some down there. My knee is still really sore and I can;t lean on it at all. I went to bend down today to help Dags and alost collapsed when I leant on it, it bought tears to my eyes. Stupid body.

We go to Melbourne in a few weeks, Daryl is taking leave without pay, so heaven knows how we are going to pay the mortgage and bills ect, let alone fill the car, and pay incidentals on the way, but I am trying not to think about it too much. I still have to get the girls a dress to wear, but another friend of mine in Melbourne has offered to make them a beautiful pagan style dress each which will look lovely on them. Just have to get dags a suit.

It is going to be cold in Melb and the girls have no winter clothes so I am looking out for jumpers and pants for them. They also need to get a pair of boots each. *sigh*. Today I heard that Mortgage rates may be going up, and the cost of living has risen by some stupid amount as well. I mean where does the government think people get money to afford to live?

I was thinking today about things I need as well but are not importnant in the grand scale. I would like a few more blue candles for healing as mine in getting very sad. I would like another aromatherapy burner for my alter to burn wax melts also for healing rituals and I need some more dragons blood wax melts, also for healing for my alter. It would be nice to have $1grand just to spend on myself totally guilt free LOL

A candle lit for all my friends who need strength, warmth, and healing.

so a question

how do you start to like yourself? So many have said you must love yourself in order to heal, I wonder how does one even begin to like oneself??????? No really a serious question how do you? If you have the answer and I mean seriously please share with the class becasue I have no idea at all.

Endone daze

Endone makes me teary, it also bombs me out which is what I want to be. I can't stop weeping, the tears come anytime now I have no control at all they just roll down my face. Last night the girls asked if I was crying and I lied and said no I had sore eyes. I get a headache from trying to hold them in. I take 2 endone at a time so I am bombed enough not to feel and care. I am too old for this,

yes its confirmed, I am nothing but a inconvienience

conversation this afternoon.

DH: what do you want me to do with the snitzles for dinner this afternoon?

ME: what ever is easiest or you

DH: what is easiest is being able to go straight to work and not have to do this shit again. :(.

Seems there is no effort being taken to even hide how angry he is at me now. When people ask what did you do to your knee and I say I fell down the stair, he says....No she didn;t fall down them, she was walking alnong and just didn;t see them, so stepped off them and landed on her knee, in that oh so sarcastic tone. A few times now when I have told people on the phone ect, he said to me, so did they say you are an idiot?, I would have. He is so very angry at me

Soooooooooo Once again I am broken

So after my first week of work wich went well and looking forward to another week I have hurt myself again.

On friday we went to a parent teacher interview at school and we were walking out. I was not concentrating or something I don't know and I didn;t see two steps and I completely missed them. I fell dom them from the top to the bottom and landed very heavily on my knees. It hurt like a son of a bitch as well. When I first fell hubby said really angry oh FFS then very quickly changed to are you ok are you hurt?. I knew he was angry, I knew he was thinking great not again. I said no I am fine as I got to my feet trying to see how hurt I actually was. I felt sore but ok and so hobbled to the car in tears, not because I was in pain, but becasue I knew this was going to end bad and I knew hubby would be really mad at me. I went home to get changed because I was soaking wet then I had to go to get my hair cut. I was still not hurting too bad, just stinging when I had impacted. So went and got my hair cut, then met friends for coffee.

By now the pain was starting to really kick in, in my left knee, the adrenalin had started to wear off i suspect. We went to leave and I could not weight bare at all. I was in tears I could not walk. I knew I had to go to a medical centre and I knew dh was angry that I fell down stairs in the first place..........yes a really stupid thing to do.

So off we go to the medical centre. They have a look at it and send me for a xray. The xray does not show an abvious fracture, but I can't weight bare at all now. They tell me to stay off it for a few days and take panadol.

Now becasue I am on warfarin and have already had a DVT I am now at a increased risk of another, so I decided to go and get a second opinion from my GP as I am not happy with the doctor from the medical centre.

so we go to my GP, she looks at xray and tells me there is something on my xray and there is a possible fracture. I have to have it re xrayed in 5 days when the ross swelling is down a bot. She also believes the swelling is blood as well as fluid becasue of the warfarin and for that reason it will mask a fracture.

so no work for me this week, I am here with my leg elevated and once again on crutches. DH is narky with the world, but I suspect it is actually with me. there has been a few off the cuff comments made in jest but they cut deep with me.

I know I am an idiot for falling down the stairs, I realise this I also realise that DH now has more to do around the house and may loose money at work, I know this has been on going for almost three years becasue of injuries for me. I am starting to think I am just an complete idiot.