Long weekend

So its Monday, a longweekend Monday. Cold, wet, miserable Monday. Hubby up becasue he wanted to "clean this filthy house". This seems to be his mantra, said to himself, actually aimed at me. Honestly does he think I don't get he is aiming it at me. So the ususal stomping around, huffing and puffing begings. Me vaccuning the lungeroom out of guilt becasue I don;t know what else to do, the kids cleaning their rooms, which are disgustingly untidy and I have been nagging them all week to clean. The atmosphere in the house is one of walking on eggshells yet again, a cranky husband, kids cleaning when they would rather be making more mess, me trying to help and actually seeming to just get in the way. I hate days like this, I hate the inuendos, I hate being made to feel guilty, like I don;t pull my weight, and I am a lazy good for nothing hopeless housewife. then throw in the fact that he has worked hours and hours of overtime this week so we can pay bills. the cost of living has climbed really high but wages have not, especially when you are on one wage, and so living has become a real issue now. I will soon be getting rid of my mobile phine. I don;t need it, I will buy outright a $49 cheap and nasty and buy credit monthly. I think I will also have a big pagan garage sale and sell off all my beloved pagan treasures all except a few items, then should help as well. Maybe I will just go get a job and not tell anyone I have medical problems, and work untill I can no longer walk anymore. tonight is one of those nights I could just disappear, its all too hard and my heart hurts more than my physical pain.

Alone again naturally

Yes the title of a song I actually really like. :). I sat up last night drinking and talking to some good freinds, drinking talking crying. Hubby got home from bed and was a little surprised I think ay how many empty bottles were collected on the table (I don't normally drink). We went to bed I was drunk and high from taking too many pain killers and oh so sad. I cried and cried, and sobbed and tried to tell him how I felt and messed it up. I got out I am in pain, and sick of it, I got out I want to disappear, I rambled he listened not saying much of anything he just held me, and I sobbed. I basically told him I loved him but it was ok to leave if he wanted, he said her didn;t want to ever leave me. There was so much more I wanted to say, should have said, but the mess I am could just lay there and shake and sob uncontrollably. He was tired, he works long hard hours, I said I was going to get up and have another drink, he said no I want you to stay here in my arms safe. To day he has gone on a work social function, its been planned for a few weeks, it will be a big night and he does not know if he is even coming home...........I didn;t want to be home alone, I still don;t. ihave called around to see what friends are doing but they are all busy, of course they are, they have lives and fun. I don;t want to be alone tonight, I am afraid of being alone, I don't want this anymore

Always in pain of some sort

Yes thats me always in pain be in mental or physical although these days its mostly physical. Funny thing about pain, you can;t see it, and you can't describe it except to say it hurts and when it goes on for days and days on end it gets you down. Thtas when they start talking about coping technicques. Well screw that I want a magic cure and be pain fecking free just like the many others who suffer pain. Mine is lower back pain, and like millions around the globe it really gets you down after a while. There are only so many Valium and morphine based drugs you can take, and throw in I am on warfarin on top of that and it becomes a night pare to manage pain with medication. Not to mention those who simply do not believe that you are in pain in the first place, or that it is aas bad as it is.........get over it, do more things and it will get better, loose weight (always a favoroite of mine) and magically all the pain will go away. Went to the GP today and told her I wanted to stop all my medications, she told me it was a bad idea....asked me why and I told her becasue I have had enough and want to open a vein........no one listens to me, no one close to me understands. We live on one wage, I am sure people think I simply do not want to work..........I do but I know it will kill me, I can only work 20 hours a week, I have multipal medical problems, I have to do a job that lets me get up and wander about when I need to. I am 46 years old..........yes there are simply 100's of job opportunities out there for me.......It hurts me to drive the friggin car becasue it hurts to sit down, right now typing this my back is hurting but my legs are aching so bad I would cut the feckers off with a chainsaw if I had one handy. Hubby says you need to exercise, you can walk the dog she needs exercise too. Thing is I will do it becasue he does not understand how much it hurts to be pulled along by the dog.......he simply does not get that it will cripple me , my back legs and hips. He just does not understand, he thinks I am making it up or exaggerating I am sure, his answer do it more and it will get better, problem is it doesn;t it gets worse, so very much worse. I do some house work, vaccume, cleand ect becasue he is forever dropping hints at how dirty the house is and he has to do all the cleaning. So the guilt trip I am already on becomes 100% worse. So I do what I should be doing. It hurts like a son of a bitch, I pop pills and become a cranky withdrawn bitch in pain. Once again it does not get easy the more you do it it gets worse.....so much worse. How do you explain to people I am not being lazy. I do want to help you, it just hurts like a mother fucker, and will do so for the next 3 days or so knowing you will get the look that says..........sure it will. Today I told all this to my GP, she upped my pain killers to morning and night and valium as well as night, panadol 2 tabs 3 times a day, so now I am a pill junkie as well, wonder what that will do to my already screwed up head. Told her about my shocking memory loss, forgetting names of simple household items, names of places, even my own last name. She told me its a mix of the pain killers and anxiety. Thats just great. I love sleep and wake thinking nooooooooo not yet, I don;t want it to be another day already. I don;t want to live like this anymore. I don;t want to be invisible and not listened to anymore. :(

Well its been almost 12 months since I came close toloosing Jarrah to a teeny tiny critter called a tick. Then I got lazy, and couldn't be bothered writing what I thought. My thoughts were not that interesting anyway, and as usualy they were scattered, like leaves in a breeze, all over the place. Perfectly coherent in my head , but as soon as I tried to place them out of my head they turn to rambleings of nothing, so I stopped. Buth this morning, as the sun shines and I find myself home alone, I feel as though I am drowning, and I have so much to say, well in my head I do, many words, many things, but getting them from my head to anywhere else is a real challenge, and still I feel like I can;t treat water for much longer. its funny people say whats wrong, and I say nothing.......becasue in all honesty I have no idea how to answer. what do you say, everything, nothing, I don;t know, becasue its not one thing, its many many things and jumbled together, all spinning together faster and faster, and somethinges something else gets added to the mix, and it never stops. Perhaps its just me, perhaps I am just a drama queen and should just "get on with it", that thought crosses my mind daily. I seem to be coming increasingly invisable, and although I have never activly thought about topping myself (Guilt would never let me do it) I o ften think about just not being here anymore, and if anyone would actually really miss me deep down after the normal mourning period. This thought is almost a daily thought now, but it will never happen becasue People would get angry at me, and so guilt makes me not take the thoughts any further. Good ole me always thinking of everyone else and making sure I do whatever it takes to make them happy. Cause thats what you do right? I suspect its not really ok to be sad every day, to cry at nothing at random times. To thinnk about stopping all my meds becasue I know it will either kill me or make me really really sick..........but if you ask me whats wrong, don;t expect me to tell you. I will answer I am good. Becasue I am still upreight and breathing, I still get up in the mornings and function, and becasue I really don;t want to discuss how broken I actually am with anyone, so for now I will keep treading water, untill I sink.

Why?

"you are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
you make me happy when skies are gray,
you'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don;t take my sunshine away"


Jarrah is my sunshine, and she may be taken away becasue of a fucking tick. My worst nightmare come true. I did all the right things, she had a collar, I was carful, or so I thought. Today when I came in from Shopping she seemed to be stumbling about, like she was drunk. I noticed immediately something was wrong, and somewhere in the back of my mind TICK screamed at me. She was still bright bubbly and alert, just clumsy, and panting...heavy. I started to panic, hubby was in bed still from night duty, I called Jarrah into the bedroom and onto the bed, as soon as she couldn't jump onto the bed I knew and panic set in and I cried and cried while she watched me with her sad golden eyes. I checked very sing inch of her looking for the fucking thing, I couldn;t find it anywhere, I tried to keep her calm, to slow the spread of its poison. I called the vets in barley contained tears and we took her up. I knew to treat her was going to cost $1k, or she would die.

After 4 of us searching her we finally found it on her should a huge tick,I was relieved, angry, and devistated all at the same time. The vet told us she would worse before she got better, the next 24hours was critical. She would not be leaving the vets untill she could walk, eat and drink normally. They had to shave her.....My beautiful Russet husky had to be shaved. So tonight she can no longer walk at all, she is alone heavily sedated. She is shaved, probably scared out of her mind, and I want to be be with her so she knows its all ok.

She is so much more than a dog to me, no one would understand that, she understands me and I her, she is my friend, not my pet. I am completley shattered by what is happening to her, and the thought of loosing her is scary because I think I would slip into a very dark hole, she was given to me at a much needed time and I still need her.

My head hurts so much from crying and I can;t seem to stop.

The vert said she was the third dog today bought in with a tick, most unusual becasue it is too cold for ticks, and on a husly really unusual as they normally can;t get to their skin thru their fur especially their winter coats.

Please Gaia watch over my baby tonight wrap her in your cloak and keep her safe, bring her back to me where she belongs.

creeping back in

So the stress has started to creep back in. I am still trying to hold it back but by the gods its hard. we are broke, no monet at all and no food broke. Next month or so is going to be really really tough and both kids need new school shoes and my meds are low as well. I am trying really hard not to think about it, doing the it will be ok we will be looked after thin, but DH is started to show the cranky stressed side again and it is sooooooo hard. I am going to go to my GP and find out if there is anything I can take that will enable me to be able to o back to work without cripling back pain, a pain killer to mask it. I knwow thats not really an answer but realisically we need both of us to work at the moment, and this is the only way I can see it happening. *sigh* anyhoo wnough whinging.

I am on the lookout for a big old looking book so I can gather all my useful day to day rituals and spells into one big reference book of shadows. I have so many bits of paper, different bos, and information on my puta that I want to store it into one big book that I can reference when needed which seems to be a lot lately with helping people and finding stuff for them, as well as stumbling upon different interesting pieces of information, as yest I am too find what I am looking for, I am sure it is out there, it will make itself known to me when the time is right I guess. :-)

Well its off to job hunt, and sort through papers and stuff for me. :-)

back from holidays

So we are back we did a little over 4000k's in approx 4 days of driving in total and we drove the 3 states on the east coast of Australia. It was a good holiday, cold but good.

The first leg was Brisbane to Sydney done in 12 hours with many stops along the way. I don;t mind this trip, we have done it several times before and it is scenic and a rather nice drive. The girls were good and didn;t whinge at all. We stayed at my MIL for 2 days before we drove to Melbourne for the Big wedding.

The drive to Melbourne was Awful. It it long and boring as batshit, we went down the hume, and there are no little towns to stop at and very few rest stops. We need to stop every few hours becasue of my DVT risk so mostly we pulled over to the side of the road or truck stops where there was a table and a stinkly loo. It was also freezing cold. I have never been so glas to get out of the car as I was the night we arrived at Tals place.

The week in Melbourne was great. It was so nice to see Tal and Jase and be in a house full of people excited about the wedding. The wedding was absolutley beautiful even if I had a really heavy cold. I cried like a little baby when she walked down the isle (so did she) and I had to do a reading so trying to compose myself so I could do the readin was hard casue eveery time I looked at her I bawled. I fortold this wedding several years before in my cards when she was in a dificult relationship and I was so happy to see her so damn happy. So I was snotty, teary, and trying be be composed. All the children (mine and the photoraphers who is also a good friend) where in the row in front and did not help matters by watchin me the whole time laughing either. I did the reading and didn;t cry by simply not looking at the bride.
The next day the bride, Groom and Bridal party came back to the house for a BBQ and on the SUnday they left for their honey moon to America.

The Girls in their prety Dresses, I had them Made.



Dags and I all Gussied up.



All of us


Monday Dags and I took the girls to the Old Melbourne Jail, and to the Museum. Old Melbourne Jail was really interesting and very very sad. The feel inside that place was heavy, sad and dark. I have no doubts at all that there are still souls that wander within its stone walls. The Museum was fantastic, we all went seperate ways, I went to where the dinosaur bones were, the kids went to the kids hands on section and Dags went to see Farlap. We only had 90 mins in the museum but I could have easily spent all day there I loved it. The kids went on a tram in the city which they found absolutley fascinating. Before we knew it it was time to leave Melbourne and head home Via Bega where my BIL has recently bought a property.

So the long drive to Bega this time up the coast road. A much nicer and far more scenic route. We arrived in Bega about 8pm tired and once again very cold, thankful for a fire and dinner that they had for us. The next morning broke clear and what a beautiful sight. trees and mountains clear air, and the smell, just devine. on this property my BIL has a cahmere goat called cassie, chickens, a couple of dogs and a kitten. I instantly fell in love with bega and told hubby that I could very easily sell in Brisbane and move down here, and he agreed........shame there is no work at all except in the cheese factory and DH would grow very very bored with that as he is a very hands on kind of working man.

We went to see a dairy farmer friend of BIL who has the biggest dairy farm in Bega, and the girls got to see and pat 2 day old calfs that are being hand rared, the calfs even suckled on the girls fingers. While we were there they cows were being bought in for milking so we all got to see 200 cows being milked and a few also being artificially inseminated. It was fantastic, and a really good learning expierience for the girls. I am such a counrty girl at heart, I felt so much at home on the properties, so much at peace, I really dreaded to come home.


The Little calf we made friends with, who suckled our fingers



One of the girls I was having a nice chat to



Some of the girls waiting for the rest of the herd to srrive for milking


Way too soon it was time to leave Bega and head home stopping first at sydney for two days then driving back to Brisbane. I feld relaxed and happy, DH and I had not fought once, we were both happy and we were like we were before kids there was no stress I liked it and wanted it to stay. I started to feel nervous about going home with the bills awaiting us, me with no work, and all the stresses, and falling into the same old patterns, as this time away had been so nice.

We drove back to Sydney stayed for two days then drove home. Now we are back to normal routine, I am desperatley trying to hold on to the holiday stress free feeling, I called work yesterday and they have nothing for me untill end of July, so I have been busy looking for another job, Hubby went back to work last night. It was a wonderful holiday, I want to move to bega now LOL



Cassie the Goat

Another day Dawns

So another day is here. It is sunny outside and still very very cold. On Saturday we drive to Sydney then on to Melbourne for my dearest friend and sister/soulfriends wedding. I am excited to see her wed her beloved.

Today we finally finish getting the car serviced, it will have cost us a grand all up. Its a grand we simply did not have, we used all our savings for our holiday and borrowed the rest from my MIL. Now the car will be safe to drive. I uess its really the first major thing we have had to do to the car in 5 years though, rear brakes, front tyre barings, timing belt and other mechanical things I don;t understand that would have left us broken down at the side of the road had we decided not to have done the service.

Dags is taking the time off work without pay so we have to come up with 3 weeks mortgage payments, money for fuel for down and back, plus incidentals while we are down there. I have no idea how we are going to do this when as I type we are in a negative balance at the moment in the bank. Just somethine else that is stressing me out.

Yesterday we or a letrter from the tax department, seems I stuffed up another tax return on line and we are going to owe them money again like last year, more money to pay out, more money that we just don't have anywhere, more stress.

I have been thinking non stop about loosing weight, and being sick ect ect ect. I have found that since my little talk with the doctors I am not hungry much, and when I do eat I feel so guilty it is making me feel really really ill. I have fallen into a classic depression, I cry....alot at nothing I can be driving, or sitting, or making dinner and tears just come. Sometimes they just roll down my face and I don;t even realise untill they drip off.

Its very cold here I need some slippers, or some socks at least. might have to go get a pair of Dags socks on my feet....they are freezing.

dead by 60 thats the verdict

so I went to sydney to see my dear friend Kathryn who is the top in her field of Vascular Radiography and is in buisness with 2 of the best vascular surgeons in Australia. She scanned both my legs looking for veins that are not working properly (especially on the left where the DVT was) but also to see why my right foot keeps swelling as well. Also to get some advice from Dr Stevens who is one of her buisness partners and a brilliant and most respected vascular surgeon.

So Kathryn scans me and first surprise is she finds the remains of many clots in BOTH legs both below and above the knee. Now the clot (singular) in the left leg I knew about, so I was absolutely gob smacked when she said there were remenants of several clots in several veins in my left leg, and yes one of my veins was badly compromised, but also old clots in my upper thigh.

I almost fell over when she found old clots in my healthy right leg as well both in my calf and my thigh so that was the first surprise and at that moment I was glad to be on warfarin.

Then Dr stevens came in. He is a lovely lovely man, very gruff and rough around the edges, calls it as he sees it, but nice all the same, I like him a lot. He walked in and said hello there, my you are a big girl, big girls don't cry you know, to which I replied, its a myth this big girl cries a lot. :-).

Kath told him about the scan then him and I had a chat.
He basically told me I am going to be dead by 60 if certain things don;t happen. He told me I have some fairly serious health issues all exacibated by my weight, he also told me I need to loose at the very least 35 kilos and its not something I will be able to do on my own becasue of the mecications I am on, becasue of my metabalisim being mucked up by my graves disease and subsiquent radiation treatment, and becasue exercise is something that is going to be almost impossible becasue of my ankle and back. He said I would be able to loose about 10-15 kilos through diet and exercise but my body would more than likely not let me loose any more than that.

He also told me that I need to have my aneurysum coiled as I am never to come off warfarin and it is dangerous to leave while I am on warfarin. He said that becasue of the blood flow problems to my left foot it is only a matter of time before a ulcer forms and once that happens I am screwed, as it will never heal, and it will be just like the open weeping sores the very elderly get for the exact same reason.

He told me if I was his patient he would one get me lap banded and once I had dropped 35 kilo's, would coil the aneurysum and fix my ankle, he thinks just by doing these things my life expectancy will increase by 20 years..

So I can;t even begin to describe how I felt as I was hearing these words. Failure, worthless, guilty, stupid, devistated. I sat there listening wishing I could just die right there and then. He shook my hand, I thanked him for his time, and his advice and he left. Kathryn and I went back to her office and she started looking up lapband surgery while I sat there wishing I was anywhere else but there and feeling totally stupid.

Later Kath and I talked about everything and I cried and cried and cried. I will not do lapband surgery where the hell are we supposed to find that sort of money. I told DH this morning again bawling my eyes out.
I will try and do the weight loss myself, but there is so much more to it than just loosing weight, so many more demons to overcome.

So on thursday I am off to my GP armed with a report from Dr Stevens, and I will discuss with her further what he had to say.

Dr Stevens said if I ever have to have surgery no matter how small I will have to have the cava filter re inserted, He said that with the evidence showing I have had multipal clots in the past I am going to be a difficult patient, every doctors worst nightmare. :(

Easter is over, school is back, and its cold.

So the 5 day long weekend is over, the kids went back to school today, and finally it is COLD!. Yes I am a little weird becasue I like the cold. Have spend all day doing a whole lot of not much, called work and told them I can;t work on the 3rd becasue it is my Daughters birthday and she begged me not to work. I go to Sydney the next day to get the scans to see how my veins are holding up and see if I have any blockages anywhere as well.

My very good friend is doing the scans for me (this me going to Sydney) because she is the best radiographer in her field, and veins is her specialty. As I can't seem to get any answers here, I may just get some down there. My knee is still really sore and I can;t lean on it at all. I went to bend down today to help Dags and alost collapsed when I leant on it, it bought tears to my eyes. Stupid body.

We go to Melbourne in a few weeks, Daryl is taking leave without pay, so heaven knows how we are going to pay the mortgage and bills ect, let alone fill the car, and pay incidentals on the way, but I am trying not to think about it too much. I still have to get the girls a dress to wear, but another friend of mine in Melbourne has offered to make them a beautiful pagan style dress each which will look lovely on them. Just have to get dags a suit.

It is going to be cold in Melb and the girls have no winter clothes so I am looking out for jumpers and pants for them. They also need to get a pair of boots each. *sigh*. Today I heard that Mortgage rates may be going up, and the cost of living has risen by some stupid amount as well. I mean where does the government think people get money to afford to live?

I was thinking today about things I need as well but are not importnant in the grand scale. I would like a few more blue candles for healing as mine in getting very sad. I would like another aromatherapy burner for my alter to burn wax melts also for healing rituals and I need some more dragons blood wax melts, also for healing for my alter. It would be nice to have $1grand just to spend on myself totally guilt free LOL

A candle lit for all my friends who need strength, warmth, and healing.

so a question

how do you start to like yourself? So many have said you must love yourself in order to heal, I wonder how does one even begin to like oneself??????? No really a serious question how do you? If you have the answer and I mean seriously please share with the class becasue I have no idea at all.

Endone daze

Endone makes me teary, it also bombs me out which is what I want to be. I can't stop weeping, the tears come anytime now I have no control at all they just roll down my face. Last night the girls asked if I was crying and I lied and said no I had sore eyes. I get a headache from trying to hold them in. I take 2 endone at a time so I am bombed enough not to feel and care. I am too old for this,

yes its confirmed, I am nothing but a inconvienience

conversation this afternoon.

DH: what do you want me to do with the snitzles for dinner this afternoon?

ME: what ever is easiest or you

DH: what is easiest is being able to go straight to work and not have to do this shit again. :(.

Seems there is no effort being taken to even hide how angry he is at me now. When people ask what did you do to your knee and I say I fell down the stair, he says....No she didn;t fall down them, she was walking alnong and just didn;t see them, so stepped off them and landed on her knee, in that oh so sarcastic tone. A few times now when I have told people on the phone ect, he said to me, so did they say you are an idiot?, I would have. He is so very angry at me

Soooooooooo Once again I am broken

So after my first week of work wich went well and looking forward to another week I have hurt myself again.

On friday we went to a parent teacher interview at school and we were walking out. I was not concentrating or something I don't know and I didn;t see two steps and I completely missed them. I fell dom them from the top to the bottom and landed very heavily on my knees. It hurt like a son of a bitch as well. When I first fell hubby said really angry oh FFS then very quickly changed to are you ok are you hurt?. I knew he was angry, I knew he was thinking great not again. I said no I am fine as I got to my feet trying to see how hurt I actually was. I felt sore but ok and so hobbled to the car in tears, not because I was in pain, but becasue I knew this was going to end bad and I knew hubby would be really mad at me. I went home to get changed because I was soaking wet then I had to go to get my hair cut. I was still not hurting too bad, just stinging when I had impacted. So went and got my hair cut, then met friends for coffee.

By now the pain was starting to really kick in, in my left knee, the adrenalin had started to wear off i suspect. We went to leave and I could not weight bare at all. I was in tears I could not walk. I knew I had to go to a medical centre and I knew dh was angry that I fell down stairs in the first place..........yes a really stupid thing to do.

So off we go to the medical centre. They have a look at it and send me for a xray. The xray does not show an abvious fracture, but I can't weight bare at all now. They tell me to stay off it for a few days and take panadol.

Now becasue I am on warfarin and have already had a DVT I am now at a increased risk of another, so I decided to go and get a second opinion from my GP as I am not happy with the doctor from the medical centre.

so we go to my GP, she looks at xray and tells me there is something on my xray and there is a possible fracture. I have to have it re xrayed in 5 days when the ross swelling is down a bot. She also believes the swelling is blood as well as fluid becasue of the warfarin and for that reason it will mask a fracture.

so no work for me this week, I am here with my leg elevated and once again on crutches. DH is narky with the world, but I suspect it is actually with me. there has been a few off the cuff comments made in jest but they cut deep with me.

I know I am an idiot for falling down the stairs, I realise this I also realise that DH now has more to do around the house and may loose money at work, I know this has been on going for almost three years becasue of injuries for me. I am starting to think I am just an complete idiot.

1st week of work

Well its Thursday and I should be at work, but I am not. My body has decided that 3 days or 24 hours a week is enough. Monday night I was sore and very tired when I got home, feet were swollen and I had numbness in both feet. I went to bed early. Tuesday was the same, back was very sore, feet and left leg were numb and back was very very sore. Last night was bad. My hips were aching something shocking, my left leg felt really heavy from my hip down and the ache was really painful, like when you sit on your feet and they "fall asleep" I was actually dragging the leg a little as the feeling had started to go in it. I was also having a great deal of trouble weight bearing on my left foot becasue of the pain in the leg but also becasue of the depressed feeling over all. My pelvis and hips were also very painful. Today my back is still really painful, it is hard for me to bend and be on my feet for extended periods of time. I think I am going to have to only work 24 hours a week only.

Other than that it was great, I really enjoyed it, even the brain overload. LOL. We shall see how we go next week.

A challenge

Ok this is a challenge that A friend of mine is doing on FB and I have decided to do the same only here on my blog please feel free to do the same challenge, or follow mine of you wish. :) I will try do do it every night.

So tomorrow is Monday

Yep tomorrow is Monday, and I start work as a casual Dental Nurse for QLD Health. I am happy but also very anxious and nervous as well. It has been three years since I was working apart from the two months I worked before I fractured my ankle. I am working casual which means day to day, but the area I am working in recently lost their three casuals and one of them was working every day, they did ask me would I be happy to work Mon - Thurs if needed and I said hell yeah. I just hope my back holds up, that is the biggest issue I have, and the thing that will stop me from working.

Friday out of the blue I got a letter from the hospital saying I had to go in for a Brain angiogram, so it seems suddenly they are going to check up on my aneurysum at long last, and of course it is now just as I am due to start a new job. So in three weeks I go to have a scan and see the neuro surgeon to see if they are going to do anything about the blip (aneurysum) or just leave it and hope I never have a bleed, it has only taken them 12 months to do anything about it.

Today I weighed myself and I was horrified and appaled at how much I weigh and how much weight I have gained. I don't understand how I let myself get this big and why, I don't understand why I have let myself go so much. Its no wonder I loath myself so much and by the gods I hate myself at the moment, I simply can't stand myself at all. I do the whole I will loose weight, I will eat well and blah blah blah blah, but it never happens, becasue for me food is like a drug. Stuff is still happening at home as well, and its true when you are in a bad headspace you do eat, comfort eating is sometimes all you have.

So tomorrow I start work, perhaps the start of new things? wouldn't it be nice.

Bugger off

Its been a while hasn't it. I have no idea what energy is at play at the moment but so many people are ratty, unhappy, teary, and generally out of sorts.....me included. Many thought it was the super full moon that we have just had, the moon was the closest to the earth for the first time in years and it seems to have created whole lot of chaotic energy.

We are now heading into a dark moon and still the choas of emotions remains for many people. so many are edgy and totally out of sorts, angry, sad, teary, overly emotional. Its just awful.

I am the same way, last week I had a day off rage, I have issues here at home, I am tired of the same old same old, I am wondering when does it all get too much, how much is too much and what happens when it is? Whatever this shift in energy is I wish it would bugger off.

PMDD

Pre Menstral Dysphoric Disorder. Sounds bad huh.....well it is, it is nasty, awful and I hate it. In me it manifests as rage, pure white hot uncontrollable rage, it is overwhelming, irrational, and awful.

I have it right now, that rage, I know it is irrational, yet I am powerless to stop it, I want to lash out, I am aggressive, abusive, enraged at stupid little things. This is PMDD. I am on medication for it, it has been working for years and now for the past few days it seems to be back with a vengance.

The kids are coping the brunt of the rage, I explode at stupid things, and I can;t stop or help myself from exploding. Screamming like a mental creature. I can no more fly to the moon than stop this rage. I thought it was over, I thought the meds had it under control.

I want to stab sharp things into myself, bang my head against a wall. I want to howl, scream, throw things.

I feel llike I am loosing my mind all over again

DArius

I am posting this so I do not forget


Darius is the man in my dream last night a very vivid and real dream I can;t get out of my mind. It was not romantic but this Darius made me feel safe and loved, like everything was ok when he was there. The year 1992 also came up in the dream in bold writing.


In the dream I was walking down a Alley/Street in the wrong part of town, it was night. I was approached by two people out of the shadows a Girl and I can;t remember the other one. They asked me if my name was Jenelle Hotson and when I said yes they grew very excited and asked me to stay here a second.

They disappeared up some stairs that I had not noticed into a doorway and came back down with a guy. Like them he was dressed shabby, and he was dirty, they looked like they lived on the streets but at no time was I afraid or threatened.

He had in his hand a faded crumpled piece of red paper, and he asked me was my name jenelle Hotson. I said yes and he smiled a stunningly beautiful mile and said I have been a fan of yours for years.

I was confused becasue I didn;t know him and had no idea why he should be a fan of mine. He saw this and showed me the piece of paper he was carrying. It was an old programme from a play or musical and the 1992 jumped out at me. I have no idea what it was (the play).

He said he saw me in that and he had been a fan ever since, he said he liked the way I muffed my lines becasue I was so nervous. In the dream I had no recollection of dong the play but my name was on the progame so I just figured I had forgotten.

I then went with him and the other two and he made me feel safe, warm and loved, like nothing could harm me. It was in no way romantic at all, I actually can;t explain it.

I met others like them, dirty dressed in odd assortment of clothes, some with sores and sick, others just street people. All lived in the room at the top of the stairs and all were absolutely lovey people. This Darius was kind of there leader, but not really. He was the one they went to for advice ect.

The dream is still so vivid, espcially Darius, I can call him up and can still see him so clearly, it makes me teary when I do becasue of how he makes me feel (again not romantic).

So now I am wondering who is Darius.