back from holidays

So we are back we did a little over 4000k's in approx 4 days of driving in total and we drove the 3 states on the east coast of Australia. It was a good holiday, cold but good.

The first leg was Brisbane to Sydney done in 12 hours with many stops along the way. I don;t mind this trip, we have done it several times before and it is scenic and a rather nice drive. The girls were good and didn;t whinge at all. We stayed at my MIL for 2 days before we drove to Melbourne for the Big wedding.

The drive to Melbourne was Awful. It it long and boring as batshit, we went down the hume, and there are no little towns to stop at and very few rest stops. We need to stop every few hours becasue of my DVT risk so mostly we pulled over to the side of the road or truck stops where there was a table and a stinkly loo. It was also freezing cold. I have never been so glas to get out of the car as I was the night we arrived at Tals place.

The week in Melbourne was great. It was so nice to see Tal and Jase and be in a house full of people excited about the wedding. The wedding was absolutley beautiful even if I had a really heavy cold. I cried like a little baby when she walked down the isle (so did she) and I had to do a reading so trying to compose myself so I could do the readin was hard casue eveery time I looked at her I bawled. I fortold this wedding several years before in my cards when she was in a dificult relationship and I was so happy to see her so damn happy. So I was snotty, teary, and trying be be composed. All the children (mine and the photoraphers who is also a good friend) where in the row in front and did not help matters by watchin me the whole time laughing either. I did the reading and didn;t cry by simply not looking at the bride.
The next day the bride, Groom and Bridal party came back to the house for a BBQ and on the SUnday they left for their honey moon to America.

The Girls in their prety Dresses, I had them Made.



Dags and I all Gussied up.



All of us


Monday Dags and I took the girls to the Old Melbourne Jail, and to the Museum. Old Melbourne Jail was really interesting and very very sad. The feel inside that place was heavy, sad and dark. I have no doubts at all that there are still souls that wander within its stone walls. The Museum was fantastic, we all went seperate ways, I went to where the dinosaur bones were, the kids went to the kids hands on section and Dags went to see Farlap. We only had 90 mins in the museum but I could have easily spent all day there I loved it. The kids went on a tram in the city which they found absolutley fascinating. Before we knew it it was time to leave Melbourne and head home Via Bega where my BIL has recently bought a property.

So the long drive to Bega this time up the coast road. A much nicer and far more scenic route. We arrived in Bega about 8pm tired and once again very cold, thankful for a fire and dinner that they had for us. The next morning broke clear and what a beautiful sight. trees and mountains clear air, and the smell, just devine. on this property my BIL has a cahmere goat called cassie, chickens, a couple of dogs and a kitten. I instantly fell in love with bega and told hubby that I could very easily sell in Brisbane and move down here, and he agreed........shame there is no work at all except in the cheese factory and DH would grow very very bored with that as he is a very hands on kind of working man.

We went to see a dairy farmer friend of BIL who has the biggest dairy farm in Bega, and the girls got to see and pat 2 day old calfs that are being hand rared, the calfs even suckled on the girls fingers. While we were there they cows were being bought in for milking so we all got to see 200 cows being milked and a few also being artificially inseminated. It was fantastic, and a really good learning expierience for the girls. I am such a counrty girl at heart, I felt so much at home on the properties, so much at peace, I really dreaded to come home.


The Little calf we made friends with, who suckled our fingers



One of the girls I was having a nice chat to



Some of the girls waiting for the rest of the herd to srrive for milking


Way too soon it was time to leave Bega and head home stopping first at sydney for two days then driving back to Brisbane. I feld relaxed and happy, DH and I had not fought once, we were both happy and we were like we were before kids there was no stress I liked it and wanted it to stay. I started to feel nervous about going home with the bills awaiting us, me with no work, and all the stresses, and falling into the same old patterns, as this time away had been so nice.

We drove back to Sydney stayed for two days then drove home. Now we are back to normal routine, I am desperatley trying to hold on to the holiday stress free feeling, I called work yesterday and they have nothing for me untill end of July, so I have been busy looking for another job, Hubby went back to work last night. It was a wonderful holiday, I want to move to bega now LOL



Cassie the Goat

Another day Dawns

So another day is here. It is sunny outside and still very very cold. On Saturday we drive to Sydney then on to Melbourne for my dearest friend and sister/soulfriends wedding. I am excited to see her wed her beloved.

Today we finally finish getting the car serviced, it will have cost us a grand all up. Its a grand we simply did not have, we used all our savings for our holiday and borrowed the rest from my MIL. Now the car will be safe to drive. I uess its really the first major thing we have had to do to the car in 5 years though, rear brakes, front tyre barings, timing belt and other mechanical things I don;t understand that would have left us broken down at the side of the road had we decided not to have done the service.

Dags is taking the time off work without pay so we have to come up with 3 weeks mortgage payments, money for fuel for down and back, plus incidentals while we are down there. I have no idea how we are going to do this when as I type we are in a negative balance at the moment in the bank. Just somethine else that is stressing me out.

Yesterday we or a letrter from the tax department, seems I stuffed up another tax return on line and we are going to owe them money again like last year, more money to pay out, more money that we just don't have anywhere, more stress.

I have been thinking non stop about loosing weight, and being sick ect ect ect. I have found that since my little talk with the doctors I am not hungry much, and when I do eat I feel so guilty it is making me feel really really ill. I have fallen into a classic depression, I cry....alot at nothing I can be driving, or sitting, or making dinner and tears just come. Sometimes they just roll down my face and I don;t even realise untill they drip off.

Its very cold here I need some slippers, or some socks at least. might have to go get a pair of Dags socks on my feet....they are freezing.

dead by 60 thats the verdict

so I went to sydney to see my dear friend Kathryn who is the top in her field of Vascular Radiography and is in buisness with 2 of the best vascular surgeons in Australia. She scanned both my legs looking for veins that are not working properly (especially on the left where the DVT was) but also to see why my right foot keeps swelling as well. Also to get some advice from Dr Stevens who is one of her buisness partners and a brilliant and most respected vascular surgeon.

So Kathryn scans me and first surprise is she finds the remains of many clots in BOTH legs both below and above the knee. Now the clot (singular) in the left leg I knew about, so I was absolutely gob smacked when she said there were remenants of several clots in several veins in my left leg, and yes one of my veins was badly compromised, but also old clots in my upper thigh.

I almost fell over when she found old clots in my healthy right leg as well both in my calf and my thigh so that was the first surprise and at that moment I was glad to be on warfarin.

Then Dr stevens came in. He is a lovely lovely man, very gruff and rough around the edges, calls it as he sees it, but nice all the same, I like him a lot. He walked in and said hello there, my you are a big girl, big girls don't cry you know, to which I replied, its a myth this big girl cries a lot. :-).

Kath told him about the scan then him and I had a chat.
He basically told me I am going to be dead by 60 if certain things don;t happen. He told me I have some fairly serious health issues all exacibated by my weight, he also told me I need to loose at the very least 35 kilos and its not something I will be able to do on my own becasue of the mecications I am on, becasue of my metabalisim being mucked up by my graves disease and subsiquent radiation treatment, and becasue exercise is something that is going to be almost impossible becasue of my ankle and back. He said I would be able to loose about 10-15 kilos through diet and exercise but my body would more than likely not let me loose any more than that.

He also told me that I need to have my aneurysum coiled as I am never to come off warfarin and it is dangerous to leave while I am on warfarin. He said that becasue of the blood flow problems to my left foot it is only a matter of time before a ulcer forms and once that happens I am screwed, as it will never heal, and it will be just like the open weeping sores the very elderly get for the exact same reason.

He told me if I was his patient he would one get me lap banded and once I had dropped 35 kilo's, would coil the aneurysum and fix my ankle, he thinks just by doing these things my life expectancy will increase by 20 years..

So I can;t even begin to describe how I felt as I was hearing these words. Failure, worthless, guilty, stupid, devistated. I sat there listening wishing I could just die right there and then. He shook my hand, I thanked him for his time, and his advice and he left. Kathryn and I went back to her office and she started looking up lapband surgery while I sat there wishing I was anywhere else but there and feeling totally stupid.

Later Kath and I talked about everything and I cried and cried and cried. I will not do lapband surgery where the hell are we supposed to find that sort of money. I told DH this morning again bawling my eyes out.
I will try and do the weight loss myself, but there is so much more to it than just loosing weight, so many more demons to overcome.

So on thursday I am off to my GP armed with a report from Dr Stevens, and I will discuss with her further what he had to say.

Dr Stevens said if I ever have to have surgery no matter how small I will have to have the cava filter re inserted, He said that with the evidence showing I have had multipal clots in the past I am going to be a difficult patient, every doctors worst nightmare. :(