Why?

"you are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
you make me happy when skies are gray,
you'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don;t take my sunshine away"


Jarrah is my sunshine, and she may be taken away becasue of a fucking tick. My worst nightmare come true. I did all the right things, she had a collar, I was carful, or so I thought. Today when I came in from Shopping she seemed to be stumbling about, like she was drunk. I noticed immediately something was wrong, and somewhere in the back of my mind TICK screamed at me. She was still bright bubbly and alert, just clumsy, and panting...heavy. I started to panic, hubby was in bed still from night duty, I called Jarrah into the bedroom and onto the bed, as soon as she couldn't jump onto the bed I knew and panic set in and I cried and cried while she watched me with her sad golden eyes. I checked very sing inch of her looking for the fucking thing, I couldn;t find it anywhere, I tried to keep her calm, to slow the spread of its poison. I called the vets in barley contained tears and we took her up. I knew to treat her was going to cost $1k, or she would die.

After 4 of us searching her we finally found it on her should a huge tick,I was relieved, angry, and devistated all at the same time. The vet told us she would worse before she got better, the next 24hours was critical. She would not be leaving the vets untill she could walk, eat and drink normally. They had to shave her.....My beautiful Russet husky had to be shaved. So tonight she can no longer walk at all, she is alone heavily sedated. She is shaved, probably scared out of her mind, and I want to be be with her so she knows its all ok.

She is so much more than a dog to me, no one would understand that, she understands me and I her, she is my friend, not my pet. I am completley shattered by what is happening to her, and the thought of loosing her is scary because I think I would slip into a very dark hole, she was given to me at a much needed time and I still need her.

My head hurts so much from crying and I can;t seem to stop.

The vert said she was the third dog today bought in with a tick, most unusual becasue it is too cold for ticks, and on a husly really unusual as they normally can;t get to their skin thru their fur especially their winter coats.

Please Gaia watch over my baby tonight wrap her in your cloak and keep her safe, bring her back to me where she belongs.

creeping back in

So the stress has started to creep back in. I am still trying to hold it back but by the gods its hard. we are broke, no monet at all and no food broke. Next month or so is going to be really really tough and both kids need new school shoes and my meds are low as well. I am trying really hard not to think about it, doing the it will be ok we will be looked after thin, but DH is started to show the cranky stressed side again and it is sooooooo hard. I am going to go to my GP and find out if there is anything I can take that will enable me to be able to o back to work without cripling back pain, a pain killer to mask it. I knwow thats not really an answer but realisically we need both of us to work at the moment, and this is the only way I can see it happening. *sigh* anyhoo wnough whinging.

I am on the lookout for a big old looking book so I can gather all my useful day to day rituals and spells into one big reference book of shadows. I have so many bits of paper, different bos, and information on my puta that I want to store it into one big book that I can reference when needed which seems to be a lot lately with helping people and finding stuff for them, as well as stumbling upon different interesting pieces of information, as yest I am too find what I am looking for, I am sure it is out there, it will make itself known to me when the time is right I guess. :-)

Well its off to job hunt, and sort through papers and stuff for me. :-)

back from holidays

So we are back we did a little over 4000k's in approx 4 days of driving in total and we drove the 3 states on the east coast of Australia. It was a good holiday, cold but good.

The first leg was Brisbane to Sydney done in 12 hours with many stops along the way. I don;t mind this trip, we have done it several times before and it is scenic and a rather nice drive. The girls were good and didn;t whinge at all. We stayed at my MIL for 2 days before we drove to Melbourne for the Big wedding.

The drive to Melbourne was Awful. It it long and boring as batshit, we went down the hume, and there are no little towns to stop at and very few rest stops. We need to stop every few hours becasue of my DVT risk so mostly we pulled over to the side of the road or truck stops where there was a table and a stinkly loo. It was also freezing cold. I have never been so glas to get out of the car as I was the night we arrived at Tals place.

The week in Melbourne was great. It was so nice to see Tal and Jase and be in a house full of people excited about the wedding. The wedding was absolutley beautiful even if I had a really heavy cold. I cried like a little baby when she walked down the isle (so did she) and I had to do a reading so trying to compose myself so I could do the readin was hard casue eveery time I looked at her I bawled. I fortold this wedding several years before in my cards when she was in a dificult relationship and I was so happy to see her so damn happy. So I was snotty, teary, and trying be be composed. All the children (mine and the photoraphers who is also a good friend) where in the row in front and did not help matters by watchin me the whole time laughing either. I did the reading and didn;t cry by simply not looking at the bride.
The next day the bride, Groom and Bridal party came back to the house for a BBQ and on the SUnday they left for their honey moon to America.

The Girls in their prety Dresses, I had them Made.



Dags and I all Gussied up.



All of us


Monday Dags and I took the girls to the Old Melbourne Jail, and to the Museum. Old Melbourne Jail was really interesting and very very sad. The feel inside that place was heavy, sad and dark. I have no doubts at all that there are still souls that wander within its stone walls. The Museum was fantastic, we all went seperate ways, I went to where the dinosaur bones were, the kids went to the kids hands on section and Dags went to see Farlap. We only had 90 mins in the museum but I could have easily spent all day there I loved it. The kids went on a tram in the city which they found absolutley fascinating. Before we knew it it was time to leave Melbourne and head home Via Bega where my BIL has recently bought a property.

So the long drive to Bega this time up the coast road. A much nicer and far more scenic route. We arrived in Bega about 8pm tired and once again very cold, thankful for a fire and dinner that they had for us. The next morning broke clear and what a beautiful sight. trees and mountains clear air, and the smell, just devine. on this property my BIL has a cahmere goat called cassie, chickens, a couple of dogs and a kitten. I instantly fell in love with bega and told hubby that I could very easily sell in Brisbane and move down here, and he agreed........shame there is no work at all except in the cheese factory and DH would grow very very bored with that as he is a very hands on kind of working man.

We went to see a dairy farmer friend of BIL who has the biggest dairy farm in Bega, and the girls got to see and pat 2 day old calfs that are being hand rared, the calfs even suckled on the girls fingers. While we were there they cows were being bought in for milking so we all got to see 200 cows being milked and a few also being artificially inseminated. It was fantastic, and a really good learning expierience for the girls. I am such a counrty girl at heart, I felt so much at home on the properties, so much at peace, I really dreaded to come home.


The Little calf we made friends with, who suckled our fingers



One of the girls I was having a nice chat to



Some of the girls waiting for the rest of the herd to srrive for milking


Way too soon it was time to leave Bega and head home stopping first at sydney for two days then driving back to Brisbane. I feld relaxed and happy, DH and I had not fought once, we were both happy and we were like we were before kids there was no stress I liked it and wanted it to stay. I started to feel nervous about going home with the bills awaiting us, me with no work, and all the stresses, and falling into the same old patterns, as this time away had been so nice.

We drove back to Sydney stayed for two days then drove home. Now we are back to normal routine, I am desperatley trying to hold on to the holiday stress free feeling, I called work yesterday and they have nothing for me untill end of July, so I have been busy looking for another job, Hubby went back to work last night. It was a wonderful holiday, I want to move to bega now LOL



Cassie the Goat

Another day Dawns

So another day is here. It is sunny outside and still very very cold. On Saturday we drive to Sydney then on to Melbourne for my dearest friend and sister/soulfriends wedding. I am excited to see her wed her beloved.

Today we finally finish getting the car serviced, it will have cost us a grand all up. Its a grand we simply did not have, we used all our savings for our holiday and borrowed the rest from my MIL. Now the car will be safe to drive. I uess its really the first major thing we have had to do to the car in 5 years though, rear brakes, front tyre barings, timing belt and other mechanical things I don;t understand that would have left us broken down at the side of the road had we decided not to have done the service.

Dags is taking the time off work without pay so we have to come up with 3 weeks mortgage payments, money for fuel for down and back, plus incidentals while we are down there. I have no idea how we are going to do this when as I type we are in a negative balance at the moment in the bank. Just somethine else that is stressing me out.

Yesterday we or a letrter from the tax department, seems I stuffed up another tax return on line and we are going to owe them money again like last year, more money to pay out, more money that we just don't have anywhere, more stress.

I have been thinking non stop about loosing weight, and being sick ect ect ect. I have found that since my little talk with the doctors I am not hungry much, and when I do eat I feel so guilty it is making me feel really really ill. I have fallen into a classic depression, I cry....alot at nothing I can be driving, or sitting, or making dinner and tears just come. Sometimes they just roll down my face and I don;t even realise untill they drip off.

Its very cold here I need some slippers, or some socks at least. might have to go get a pair of Dags socks on my feet....they are freezing.

dead by 60 thats the verdict

so I went to sydney to see my dear friend Kathryn who is the top in her field of Vascular Radiography and is in buisness with 2 of the best vascular surgeons in Australia. She scanned both my legs looking for veins that are not working properly (especially on the left where the DVT was) but also to see why my right foot keeps swelling as well. Also to get some advice from Dr Stevens who is one of her buisness partners and a brilliant and most respected vascular surgeon.

So Kathryn scans me and first surprise is she finds the remains of many clots in BOTH legs both below and above the knee. Now the clot (singular) in the left leg I knew about, so I was absolutely gob smacked when she said there were remenants of several clots in several veins in my left leg, and yes one of my veins was badly compromised, but also old clots in my upper thigh.

I almost fell over when she found old clots in my healthy right leg as well both in my calf and my thigh so that was the first surprise and at that moment I was glad to be on warfarin.

Then Dr stevens came in. He is a lovely lovely man, very gruff and rough around the edges, calls it as he sees it, but nice all the same, I like him a lot. He walked in and said hello there, my you are a big girl, big girls don't cry you know, to which I replied, its a myth this big girl cries a lot. :-).

Kath told him about the scan then him and I had a chat.
He basically told me I am going to be dead by 60 if certain things don;t happen. He told me I have some fairly serious health issues all exacibated by my weight, he also told me I need to loose at the very least 35 kilos and its not something I will be able to do on my own becasue of the mecications I am on, becasue of my metabalisim being mucked up by my graves disease and subsiquent radiation treatment, and becasue exercise is something that is going to be almost impossible becasue of my ankle and back. He said I would be able to loose about 10-15 kilos through diet and exercise but my body would more than likely not let me loose any more than that.

He also told me that I need to have my aneurysum coiled as I am never to come off warfarin and it is dangerous to leave while I am on warfarin. He said that becasue of the blood flow problems to my left foot it is only a matter of time before a ulcer forms and once that happens I am screwed, as it will never heal, and it will be just like the open weeping sores the very elderly get for the exact same reason.

He told me if I was his patient he would one get me lap banded and once I had dropped 35 kilo's, would coil the aneurysum and fix my ankle, he thinks just by doing these things my life expectancy will increase by 20 years..

So I can;t even begin to describe how I felt as I was hearing these words. Failure, worthless, guilty, stupid, devistated. I sat there listening wishing I could just die right there and then. He shook my hand, I thanked him for his time, and his advice and he left. Kathryn and I went back to her office and she started looking up lapband surgery while I sat there wishing I was anywhere else but there and feeling totally stupid.

Later Kath and I talked about everything and I cried and cried and cried. I will not do lapband surgery where the hell are we supposed to find that sort of money. I told DH this morning again bawling my eyes out.
I will try and do the weight loss myself, but there is so much more to it than just loosing weight, so many more demons to overcome.

So on thursday I am off to my GP armed with a report from Dr Stevens, and I will discuss with her further what he had to say.

Dr Stevens said if I ever have to have surgery no matter how small I will have to have the cava filter re inserted, He said that with the evidence showing I have had multipal clots in the past I am going to be a difficult patient, every doctors worst nightmare. :(

Easter is over, school is back, and its cold.

So the 5 day long weekend is over, the kids went back to school today, and finally it is COLD!. Yes I am a little weird becasue I like the cold. Have spend all day doing a whole lot of not much, called work and told them I can;t work on the 3rd becasue it is my Daughters birthday and she begged me not to work. I go to Sydney the next day to get the scans to see how my veins are holding up and see if I have any blockages anywhere as well.

My very good friend is doing the scans for me (this me going to Sydney) because she is the best radiographer in her field, and veins is her specialty. As I can't seem to get any answers here, I may just get some down there. My knee is still really sore and I can;t lean on it at all. I went to bend down today to help Dags and alost collapsed when I leant on it, it bought tears to my eyes. Stupid body.

We go to Melbourne in a few weeks, Daryl is taking leave without pay, so heaven knows how we are going to pay the mortgage and bills ect, let alone fill the car, and pay incidentals on the way, but I am trying not to think about it too much. I still have to get the girls a dress to wear, but another friend of mine in Melbourne has offered to make them a beautiful pagan style dress each which will look lovely on them. Just have to get dags a suit.

It is going to be cold in Melb and the girls have no winter clothes so I am looking out for jumpers and pants for them. They also need to get a pair of boots each. *sigh*. Today I heard that Mortgage rates may be going up, and the cost of living has risen by some stupid amount as well. I mean where does the government think people get money to afford to live?

I was thinking today about things I need as well but are not importnant in the grand scale. I would like a few more blue candles for healing as mine in getting very sad. I would like another aromatherapy burner for my alter to burn wax melts also for healing rituals and I need some more dragons blood wax melts, also for healing for my alter. It would be nice to have $1grand just to spend on myself totally guilt free LOL

A candle lit for all my friends who need strength, warmth, and healing.

so a question

how do you start to like yourself? So many have said you must love yourself in order to heal, I wonder how does one even begin to like oneself??????? No really a serious question how do you? If you have the answer and I mean seriously please share with the class becasue I have no idea at all.

Endone daze

Endone makes me teary, it also bombs me out which is what I want to be. I can't stop weeping, the tears come anytime now I have no control at all they just roll down my face. Last night the girls asked if I was crying and I lied and said no I had sore eyes. I get a headache from trying to hold them in. I take 2 endone at a time so I am bombed enough not to feel and care. I am too old for this,

yes its confirmed, I am nothing but a inconvienience

conversation this afternoon.

DH: what do you want me to do with the snitzles for dinner this afternoon?

ME: what ever is easiest or you

DH: what is easiest is being able to go straight to work and not have to do this shit again. :(.

Seems there is no effort being taken to even hide how angry he is at me now. When people ask what did you do to your knee and I say I fell down the stair, he says....No she didn;t fall down them, she was walking alnong and just didn;t see them, so stepped off them and landed on her knee, in that oh so sarcastic tone. A few times now when I have told people on the phone ect, he said to me, so did they say you are an idiot?, I would have. He is so very angry at me

Soooooooooo Once again I am broken

So after my first week of work wich went well and looking forward to another week I have hurt myself again.

On friday we went to a parent teacher interview at school and we were walking out. I was not concentrating or something I don't know and I didn;t see two steps and I completely missed them. I fell dom them from the top to the bottom and landed very heavily on my knees. It hurt like a son of a bitch as well. When I first fell hubby said really angry oh FFS then very quickly changed to are you ok are you hurt?. I knew he was angry, I knew he was thinking great not again. I said no I am fine as I got to my feet trying to see how hurt I actually was. I felt sore but ok and so hobbled to the car in tears, not because I was in pain, but becasue I knew this was going to end bad and I knew hubby would be really mad at me. I went home to get changed because I was soaking wet then I had to go to get my hair cut. I was still not hurting too bad, just stinging when I had impacted. So went and got my hair cut, then met friends for coffee.

By now the pain was starting to really kick in, in my left knee, the adrenalin had started to wear off i suspect. We went to leave and I could not weight bare at all. I was in tears I could not walk. I knew I had to go to a medical centre and I knew dh was angry that I fell down stairs in the first place..........yes a really stupid thing to do.

So off we go to the medical centre. They have a look at it and send me for a xray. The xray does not show an abvious fracture, but I can't weight bare at all now. They tell me to stay off it for a few days and take panadol.

Now becasue I am on warfarin and have already had a DVT I am now at a increased risk of another, so I decided to go and get a second opinion from my GP as I am not happy with the doctor from the medical centre.

so we go to my GP, she looks at xray and tells me there is something on my xray and there is a possible fracture. I have to have it re xrayed in 5 days when the ross swelling is down a bot. She also believes the swelling is blood as well as fluid becasue of the warfarin and for that reason it will mask a fracture.

so no work for me this week, I am here with my leg elevated and once again on crutches. DH is narky with the world, but I suspect it is actually with me. there has been a few off the cuff comments made in jest but they cut deep with me.

I know I am an idiot for falling down the stairs, I realise this I also realise that DH now has more to do around the house and may loose money at work, I know this has been on going for almost three years becasue of injuries for me. I am starting to think I am just an complete idiot.

1st week of work

Well its Thursday and I should be at work, but I am not. My body has decided that 3 days or 24 hours a week is enough. Monday night I was sore and very tired when I got home, feet were swollen and I had numbness in both feet. I went to bed early. Tuesday was the same, back was very sore, feet and left leg were numb and back was very very sore. Last night was bad. My hips were aching something shocking, my left leg felt really heavy from my hip down and the ache was really painful, like when you sit on your feet and they "fall asleep" I was actually dragging the leg a little as the feeling had started to go in it. I was also having a great deal of trouble weight bearing on my left foot becasue of the pain in the leg but also becasue of the depressed feeling over all. My pelvis and hips were also very painful. Today my back is still really painful, it is hard for me to bend and be on my feet for extended periods of time. I think I am going to have to only work 24 hours a week only.

Other than that it was great, I really enjoyed it, even the brain overload. LOL. We shall see how we go next week.

A challenge

Ok this is a challenge that A friend of mine is doing on FB and I have decided to do the same only here on my blog please feel free to do the same challenge, or follow mine of you wish. :) I will try do do it every night.

So tomorrow is Monday

Yep tomorrow is Monday, and I start work as a casual Dental Nurse for QLD Health. I am happy but also very anxious and nervous as well. It has been three years since I was working apart from the two months I worked before I fractured my ankle. I am working casual which means day to day, but the area I am working in recently lost their three casuals and one of them was working every day, they did ask me would I be happy to work Mon - Thurs if needed and I said hell yeah. I just hope my back holds up, that is the biggest issue I have, and the thing that will stop me from working.

Friday out of the blue I got a letter from the hospital saying I had to go in for a Brain angiogram, so it seems suddenly they are going to check up on my aneurysum at long last, and of course it is now just as I am due to start a new job. So in three weeks I go to have a scan and see the neuro surgeon to see if they are going to do anything about the blip (aneurysum) or just leave it and hope I never have a bleed, it has only taken them 12 months to do anything about it.

Today I weighed myself and I was horrified and appaled at how much I weigh and how much weight I have gained. I don't understand how I let myself get this big and why, I don't understand why I have let myself go so much. Its no wonder I loath myself so much and by the gods I hate myself at the moment, I simply can't stand myself at all. I do the whole I will loose weight, I will eat well and blah blah blah blah, but it never happens, becasue for me food is like a drug. Stuff is still happening at home as well, and its true when you are in a bad headspace you do eat, comfort eating is sometimes all you have.

So tomorrow I start work, perhaps the start of new things? wouldn't it be nice.

Bugger off

Its been a while hasn't it. I have no idea what energy is at play at the moment but so many people are ratty, unhappy, teary, and generally out of sorts.....me included. Many thought it was the super full moon that we have just had, the moon was the closest to the earth for the first time in years and it seems to have created whole lot of chaotic energy.

We are now heading into a dark moon and still the choas of emotions remains for many people. so many are edgy and totally out of sorts, angry, sad, teary, overly emotional. Its just awful.

I am the same way, last week I had a day off rage, I have issues here at home, I am tired of the same old same old, I am wondering when does it all get too much, how much is too much and what happens when it is? Whatever this shift in energy is I wish it would bugger off.

PMDD

Pre Menstral Dysphoric Disorder. Sounds bad huh.....well it is, it is nasty, awful and I hate it. In me it manifests as rage, pure white hot uncontrollable rage, it is overwhelming, irrational, and awful.

I have it right now, that rage, I know it is irrational, yet I am powerless to stop it, I want to lash out, I am aggressive, abusive, enraged at stupid little things. This is PMDD. I am on medication for it, it has been working for years and now for the past few days it seems to be back with a vengance.

The kids are coping the brunt of the rage, I explode at stupid things, and I can;t stop or help myself from exploding. Screamming like a mental creature. I can no more fly to the moon than stop this rage. I thought it was over, I thought the meds had it under control.

I want to stab sharp things into myself, bang my head against a wall. I want to howl, scream, throw things.

I feel llike I am loosing my mind all over again

DArius

I am posting this so I do not forget


Darius is the man in my dream last night a very vivid and real dream I can;t get out of my mind. It was not romantic but this Darius made me feel safe and loved, like everything was ok when he was there. The year 1992 also came up in the dream in bold writing.


In the dream I was walking down a Alley/Street in the wrong part of town, it was night. I was approached by two people out of the shadows a Girl and I can;t remember the other one. They asked me if my name was Jenelle Hotson and when I said yes they grew very excited and asked me to stay here a second.

They disappeared up some stairs that I had not noticed into a doorway and came back down with a guy. Like them he was dressed shabby, and he was dirty, they looked like they lived on the streets but at no time was I afraid or threatened.

He had in his hand a faded crumpled piece of red paper, and he asked me was my name jenelle Hotson. I said yes and he smiled a stunningly beautiful mile and said I have been a fan of yours for years.

I was confused becasue I didn;t know him and had no idea why he should be a fan of mine. He saw this and showed me the piece of paper he was carrying. It was an old programme from a play or musical and the 1992 jumped out at me. I have no idea what it was (the play).

He said he saw me in that and he had been a fan ever since, he said he liked the way I muffed my lines becasue I was so nervous. In the dream I had no recollection of dong the play but my name was on the progame so I just figured I had forgotten.

I then went with him and the other two and he made me feel safe, warm and loved, like nothing could harm me. It was in no way romantic at all, I actually can;t explain it.

I met others like them, dirty dressed in odd assortment of clothes, some with sores and sick, others just street people. All lived in the room at the top of the stairs and all were absolutely lovey people. This Darius was kind of there leader, but not really. He was the one they went to for advice ect.

The dream is still so vivid, espcially Darius, I can call him up and can still see him so clearly, it makes me teary when I do becasue of how he makes me feel (again not romantic).

So now I am wondering who is Darius.

At Last

The woman was tired, she ached and her eyes hurt from crying so much. there were no more tears left, they had dried up a few hours ago, but still she wandered through the woods, not knowing or caring where she was going.

The deeper she went, the more her heart ached, she just wanted to escape from all the pain, from the aching in her heart, and the terrible sadness in her soul, so deeper into the forest she walked.

Many eyes watched the woman as she walked with her head down, she did not see them but they watched her, wondering why she had come. Still she walked.

At last she started to slow down, and then stop. She looked up and around and was surprised to see that she was deep within the forest, then sun hidden above the trees and leaves. She looked around and spied a great old tree. His trunk was gnarled, and rough, his roots rose abouve the ground in many places, but he stood large and strong.

The woman sat with her back against the old tree nestled amoung his roots. Finally she lay her head down, and exhausted let her eyes close.

The old tree shivered gently, he could feel the womans sadness, and her fear. He whispered to her in her dreams and lowered his branches to cover her. The woman at last was safe He would stand watching over her, he would whisper her hurts away, and his ancient magick would heal her. The woman sighed in her sleep and cuddled into the trees trunk.

Sunday

Well its Sunday Afternoon, hubby has been in Sydney since Thursday, a trip he does every years. Its a annual golf trip away with his dad. He comes back tomorrow afternoon straight to work.

I went to mums yesterday just to get away from the house and have a little visit. It was nice. I love to go to mums. Her house is sooooo tidy and orderly, its quiet and peacful. We took the kids swimming yesterday which was nice the kids had fun as did mum. Last night the kids were knackered. Erin wet her bed even though she had her pull ups on and so came into me at some stage.

That child kicks, slaps, talks, and tosses all night so I got very sleep, so now I have a killer headache and I am soooo tired.

Erin see's the Kidney specialist on Tuesday to check out her duplicated kidney, and find out about this bed wetting and also the wetting when she laughs coughs ect ect. It will be nice to have some answers.

My phone shat itself at mums, it is only 3 months old and all the colour seems to have gone from the screen, it was working fine then poof not. So I have to go and see Optus tomorrow to get the damn thing fixed Stupid samsung.....I knew I should have got a nokia.

So now I have washing to fold, uniforms to iron, dinner to make and lunches to get ready for tomorrow, oooh and I must remember I need to have a blood test tomorrow as well.

Don;t want to be here there or anywhere

Feelling awful, still have a headache, not really bad, but enough to be bothersome and a pain in the butt. I want to crawl into bed and sleep disapear into dreams and just be no where. I feel very blah, teary, horrid and not wanting to be here at all really. Everything is an effort, and quite frankly I don't want to make an effort anymore, I just want to lay down and go to sleep for a while and just be nothing and be nowhere. It will be bedtime soon then I can do exactly that for a few hours anyway.

A old dog new tricks

So today finished two days of induction for QLD Health of which I am now employed on a casual basis as a dental nurse.

I forgot how much I love dental nursing and how much I miss it untill I went back yesterday and the smell hit me, the smell most people hate and strikes fear into the hearts of many, but I love. The sound of the drill, the noise, the chemicals everything. LOL. So First day of induction was organising Id cards (photo's yuk) and learning all aboout infection control. Man have things changed a whole lot since I was a full time nurse all those years ago. It is a whole new far stricker world now and this old dog has many new things to learn.

I am excited to be working for the Govt, and I am hoping really hard that I will one day land a perm part time position. At the moment I am in a pool of casuals who will be called as needed, so work will only come every now and then. I had to get fitted for a uniform as well which was blah but apart from that it was a great two days.

Dags goes to Sydney on Thursday supposedly to play golf like he does every year with his step dad, but T. is really unwell so they may just end up spending some time together which will be good. Bad thing is he will not get paid for it. I need to get around $100 woth of meds this week as well. I was hoping that some of my wands may have sold but it was not to be.

I need to go and have a blood test tomorrow just my INR test, but I may put that off to Monday, and I may even stretch out the meds to last untill Monday as well.

I think the Two days orientation pay will be paid next F/N so that will come in handy.

I am not stupid

Thats right........I am not stuid and if you keep talking to me like I am, one day I will stay silent no more and leave. So I can't do math, no I don;t understand it, I didn;t at school and I don;t now. So when you are trying to explain so I can help Abby with her home work, don;t get all exasperated and yell you have to be fucking kidding me, how can you not understand.

You know thats the exact reason why I didn;t learn at school, that exact fucking attitude from teachers, and its not only Abby's homework, it s everything, So I can;t read a street directory and get confused so fucking what, don;t ask me to read the damn thing, you know I just get you frustrated. It really is starting to piss me off, it really is, do not talk to me in that condecending tone. I am not stupid, you are not always right, as much as you like to think you are.....you are not, do not talk over me when you think you are cause it is really starting to tick me off.

Everyone in this house children inclused treat me like I am no more than a maid, here to clean up, pick up and nothing more and I am reaching the end of my teather.

I know you will have no money to go to Sydney with next week.......how is that my fault? bills have to be paid, the mortgage has to be paid......what am I supposed to do about that, snide remarks don;t help. I am so close to saying screw you and walking out its not funny, I have really had enough.......what stops me, the words of my 8 year old daughter, in tears asking me mummy are you going to leave me........please don;t becasue I would be heartbroken if you did and don;t know what I would do. Thats what stops me. She is already having nightmares about being left behind and her parents leaving......Why? Becasue she hears the way you speak to me and every time she asks me in a whisper.....why is daddy so mad at you. I say to her you need to ask him honey, you need to talk to him about it,.

I am fucking over it, over everything. Finished

Another week starts, A month ends

well Its Monday the start of another week, and the Last day of Febuary.

Today I went and filld in all the paperwork I needed to for QLD heath for my new Job, and man what a lot of paper work. So now a police check is begun, and a blue card will be issued and then I can start my new job. Iam now a paid member of the Dental assistants association of QLD as well. So its all go.

I ordered my dress for tals wedding today as well, from HolyClothing, I hope it looks ok, its very pagan/witchy so its very me. As I am very fat and dumpy nothing much will look good anyway and this wedding will be full of beautiful people, so I will hopefully be able to hide in a corner somewhere.

I have made two septres to sell and I will work on a wand tomorrow, I am hoping they all sell so I can host a drum workshop and make my own drum. Thats the plan anyway. So far there has been no interest though.

Yesterday We went to Ikea, and I saw some beautiful things including a desk that I would love. I want so many things, I wish I could work full time so we could finish off doing the inside of the house and get the kids new beds and chest of draws, and then get us a desperately needed matress. *sigh* Oh well.

Now off to fight to get children to bed

Guilty Much?

So after my long rant yesterday, this morning I got up, got kids ready for school and was about 20 mins off leaving when Hubby got up as well. this was a little unusual as by friday he is normally knackered from nights all week and sleeps in untill I wake him for lunch then he goes to work.

He then says I am coming with you to do the school run. It had been an uncomfortable silence all morning so a thre on a pair of shoes at the last second (normally I go barefoot as I don;t get out of the car) and off we went. I left my keys and phone and wallet at home.

So we drop kids off and there is silence in the car, I was thinking about the weekend, how I can get $300 together to host a drum making workshop, Abby going to dance, blah blah blah. About 15 mins in I sort of notice that we are going the wrong way, I think we are heading toward the city rather than home, but I doubt myself and so take more notice of my surrounds, about this time Hubby asks ar'nt you going to ask where we are going.

I say I thought we were going the wrong way but I was not really certain, but now I am, so where are we going.
He says I thought we might go into the city to a cafe on the river for breakfast.

I almost died, I knew this was his way of apologising for yesterday, I knew, well I felt he was feeling guilty and had done all day, the empath in me switched on immediately and I could feel this was his sorry, that he did feel bad about his actions, and guilty as well. So we went and had a lovely breakfast by the riverside this morning, something we have never done before.

It was really nice, but I still felt let down. I am still too afraid to bring up anything to do with money and I still am unsure about ...........well everything really, but it was a beautiful gesture from him, and it was really nice.

F.A.I.L

Well today has turned out to be one huge F.A.I.L.

So here I was thinking that my husband was still in love with me, don't get me wrong I think he may still love me but not be in love with me. I guess I have suspected as much for a while really. I mean the whole not working for two years, constantly being sick, costing so much money health wise and stuff has got to put a strain on a marriage.

The way he speaks to me at times, the whole passive aggresive thing, the way he looks at me sometimes, I mean maybe I am just a hopeless romantic but honestly I thought when you loved someone you just didn't speak to them like that, and if you did out of anger, you apologised. I have been made to feel guilty for so long, and although I don't think it is intentional, the fact is it is happening more and more.

At first I thought I was being super paranoid and sensative about him not being in love with me anymore, and always seeming to be angry with me, and talking to me in a barely controlled angry voice, but when your 8year old asks Mum why is Daddy always angry with you.....well you can't pretend anymore can you.

Sad thing is we don't talk about anything, he won't he just gets really angry and clams up, and me......well I just cry and cry and simply can't speak.

He tells me all the time he loves me, and I ask myself really, is this what love is? perhaps my expectations are too high and I am after television romance and it simply does not exsist.

Today we have been married 10 years, for me thats a huge dea;, and in my ideal world we would have had a romantic weekend away this coming weekend that we both would be excited about. This morning would have been all mushy with cuddles and remembering our wedding. I bought him a beautiful card, and left it on his computer for when he got home for work this morning.

In reality there was nothing, except him checking the bank account this morning and quizzing me on money that had been spent, when he realized I had spent $57 the who;e passive aggressive came out...."well we were going out for lunch", but we won't be now. stomping around then sat down and watched TV till I left to pick up the kids.

I felt just like a naughty kid being punished, and it hit me right then, I don;t think my husband is in love with me at all. Its our 10th wedding anniversary and the man I am in love with so much, does not feel the same. I went and picked up the kids weeping all the way
went to the doctors, took the kids to maccas, where surprise they were whinging as well, and I was thinking you know, if I went home and took all the pills in my little box, who would give a fuck really......sure people would be surprised and shocked, but after a week or so, who would actually care. Then the guilt hit, my mum would be devistated as would the girls and in all honestly I could never harm another human like that so even though I thought it, my own guilt would assure I never did anything like it.

But right now, I simply feel deflated and hollow, and incredibly sad.

I think I need to drastically lower my expectations of what love is, it is not all flowers, and I love you's, and sweep of your feet romance it seems. Reality is much harsher.

10 years today

I have been married 10 years today .......yep a whole decade.

Are we doing anything to celebrate nope. I gave him a card. I wanted to have a romantic weekend away but we can;t afford it. I thought we could at least go out for lunch. Seems not, he checked the bank account, saw I had bought something for $57 and as punishment was told well then we were going out for lunch but we can;t now, in that tone that speaks volumes.

So like a naughty child I am being punished by not going out for lunch. Silly me thinking ten years was something special....semms it is only something special to me. So happy anniversary to me, this has turned out to be a rather sucky day.

A decade

Sooooooooo on the 24th I have been married 10 years....yep a decade. I can;t believe it I really can't and for a few reasons. The main one being I never in my woldest dreams thought I would ever marry, I mean I was single and thirty, all my friens were married, or at least had boyfriends......I never even had a long term boyfriend or had I ever. Then I laid eyes on my now hubby and knew straight away he was the one....even though he is 7 years younger than me LOL.

Just look how young and fresh faced I was back then.

Speaking of weddings I have two to attend in the first half of this year, on is my SIL and the other my very good friend and soul mate. So today I went and had a look at dresses to wear, and came away totally shattered. I found a few really nice dresses, went to try them on and almost cried when confronted with the imaged that looked back at me.
The dressed looked positively hideous on, I looked hideous, and there is no way I could ever front up at a wedding looking like there, to have people look and talk behind hands. I just burst into tears in the change room, it was a shattering thing. Clothes are just not meant for big girls.......well not this one anyway. So now I have nothing to wear, it has been years and years since I had to dress up for anything, and now I don;t want to go. :(((((((. I am embarrased for my hubby, and for the peoples who's wedding we have been invited to. I don;t know what I am going to do just yet.

Tomorrow I have to go for a pelvic ultrasound, and this one will be done internally as well as externally *shudder*. They will be looking for the reason for the last two super heavy periods I had seeing as I have never had a heavy period in my whole life and suddenly I am getting them so bad I look like the victim of a murder. Also why my feet keep swelling so bad, and yet I am not retaining fluid anywhere else as in hands, face, ankles ect ect ect.
So they are looking for abnormal growths, fibroyds, cysts, narrowing of blood vessles, clots, ect ect ect. Should lnow something by next week.

On a good note, today I found out I got the job as a casual on call dental assistant for QLD health. This basically means that should someone be away and they need someone to cover for them then I am in the casual pool they will call. So I may get lots of work or none, I could be called to work all over Brisbane, but the money is great, and provided I can organise the kids and being picked up from school it should be great.

I have a all day training day early March, I go in on Monday to give paperwork to get the ball rolling for the poilce check and Blue card, then I will be set. Lets hope I can actually work for a little while before something happens health wise and I have to give up again.

I really wish we could have gone away for our wedding anniversary, just the two of us. :(.

A fractured soul

Yes indeed thats how I feel like my very soul is fractured, cracked in many places. Its very hard to put into words actually.

I cry most nights, when I crawl into bed when I am finally alone, kids asleep and the house is silent and I am totally alone. I deep and all encompassing sorow decends on me and I cry, sometimes I just weep, sometimes I cry, great big sobs, and I can;t stop. The type of crying that gives you a headache, gut wrenching from the soul crying. I can;t tell you why, there is not just one reason, there are many, hundreds of reasons that play like a long list that go a hundred miles an hour in my thoughts.

So what will make me happy I wonder, I mean soul happy, feeling satisfied happy, and I really don;t know. I often think, if I did not have to worry about how we are going to live day to day, not be rich but be able to pay bills and eat would be good, then perhappys I would be a little happy. To not have the guilt of not working for so long perhaps another piece of happiness,
to be thin and beautiful so my husband would love me more, another piece of happiness, to be normal and not need meds, another piece of happiness, but would it......would it really.

Perhaps I am just a sad sack, a whingy whiney sad sack even if no one ever sees it really. perhaps I am normal and in reality no one is actually happy, who knows.

Perhaps chest pain and anxiety attacks are normal, perhaps feeling like a failure and a lesser human are normal as well. Perhaps crying every night is normal.

I really don't know, I just know I feel on edge all the time, and sad.

Valentines day

So its valentines day, yep a day of romance and flowers, and I love you and dinner and blah blah blah. Yeah right.

Not here, never here. I always wanted romance just once, but nope, he does not believe in it, Its crap, a waste of money ect ect. He told me once if I ever buy you flowers then start to worry and I have never forgotten it.

We have NEVER een on a date........nope never ever. He has never been romantic not ever. He has NEVER bought me flowers.........he is not romantic. *sigh*. Just once I would like romance.

We have been married 10 years in two weeks. Wonder if I will get romance then................probably not.

Yep valentines day, just another day here.

shhhhhhhh don't break the silence

Shhhhhh it oh so quiet, Kids are at school. Jarrah is asleep on the loor next to me, Whisper on the table in front of me, Husband in bed. So very quiet. Outside a lone cicada is singing off and on and far in the distance a maggie warbles. My computer is humming, and they are the only sounds I hear besides the tapping of the keys as I type. It is devine.

If only my brain and the thoughts that continue to flow within it would now be silent for a while.

Soooooooooo Its Thursday and not much has changed

Well seems my Neighbour is not going to talk to me ever again :(. I am still a little shell shocked over the whole incident actually and feel really sad about the whole thing. Hubby says its her loss as we did do a great deal for her and I enjoyed helping her out, but I still feel really bad about the whole thing.

On A slightly brighter note, Abby is going to be a cheerleader, yes she is going to wear a short skirt and dance and do acrobats with pom poms LOL. She is so so so excited and I am excited for her, however I have no idea where we are going to find the money to do this. This is going to be a very busy year for my miss turning 11, between dancing, year 6 and now cheerleading, but I am hoping all will give her confidence, and help her to mature a little, as she is a very young 10.

Well nothing much else unless you count my apparent anxiety attacks, fast beating heart, andrenalin rush, sick to the belly, exactly the feelings you get when really nervous except mine come on any time out of the blue last about 5-10 mins and are driving me insane. Have had them since the thing with the neighbour and they show no sign of going away. :( I can bring them on by thinking about money, but usually the hit completly out of the blue, like driving along in the car. Wish they would go away.

Tuesday all day

So as the title says its Tuesday.

Yesterdays interview seemed to go well, except the position was casual not permanent part time as I had originally thought, and becasue of this and the fact I have two girls at school that need to be picked up I can't take it unless I can be at school by 3pm every day.
I explained this to the very nice panel and they were great. I asked if they could keep me in mind for anything thay may come up with set hours as then at least I can book after school care or organise work around DH, and they said give us the hours you can work and we shall work around that.

They also aked questions that were not on the persusal sheet of questions that they gave me, so it is all done now and what will be shall be.

I have had a very strange jittery feeling since Sunday, its like a very nervous feeling, upset tummy, slight shakes and feeling jumpy and edgy and it will not go away. It like have a really bad case of the nerves like before a big event, and I can;t shake it. Its really odd, It like I am waiting for something to happen to me, but I have no idea what it could be. Perhaps its becasue we have a few bills here plus stuff we need to get for the kids, and lets not forget groceries, and we simply have no money at all. I worry constantly about what we are going to do.

It could also be becasue on Friday I run out of Topamax tablets, these are to sptop me from getting headaches becasue of the anurysum. I am supped to take one morning and night and we simply have not had the $50 untill tomorrow to buy them. Urgh trying to balance everything is really stressing me out.

I should know in two weeks about working and whats happening, in the meantime I am going to Join the Australlian Dental Assistants Association and do my training to become a qualified dental radiographer. Hopefully that will get me some work.

Crap start to the week does not bode well

So here it is Sunday and what a craptacular start to the coming week I have had.

Woke up this morning to a bed covered in blood hello AF. First time ever this has happened to me. I looked like the victim of a axe fight, and to think DH changed the sheets yesterday as well. So up and shower at 7.30 so much for a sleep in.

It's stinking hot as well, and I have cramps and a lower back ache as well yay me. We have breakfast and set to finishing off the cleaning we stared yesterday.

There is a knock at the Door and my neighbour comes in.
We have been friends for 2 years, she is a single parent to 4 boys that live with her, and we see each other every day. My girls and her younger 2 boys play sometimes, and tase each other most other times, she has 2 teenage boys who like to pick on the girls and call them names ect and I have spoken to her about this before, we know it happens, if a boy thing but sometimes it verges on bullying, I have told the girls time and time again to ignor it. It has always gone on, boys saying girl germs ect ect.

Yesterday Abby was watching her eldest Daughter and her son (2) playing on the trampoline, Abby loves babies and loves to go over there and see the baby when he is visiting. All was good untill baby's mum went inside leaving baby and his dad outside with the two older boys who started. I was hanging washing on line and so boys not realise I was outside at time.

They were saying stuff like Abby stop staring your annoying, baby does not like you, get off ouf fence ect ect ect. The eldest boy said, you know I can cut your fingers off becasue they are over hanging our side and the law says anything over hanging our side we can cut off. Abby says I am not annoying you I am just watching the baby, and no you can't. I say to Abby get down Abby and come away now. Meanwhile, I hear something hit the fence and then DH car. Abby says don;t throw that you hit dads car. Then came over to me.

She was upset, told me the boys are always picking on her blah blah blah same thing I hear each week. I said to her, tell them to cut it out or I will bash there heads together. Now I make comments like this alll the time, don;t make me come up there with a stick and bash you, don;t make me bash your heads together, they are off the cuff comments, I say them all the time, I have always done so, have never thought anything of it untill today.

So lat night am talking to M (Neighbour) out the front. Relay the story to her, tell her what I said laughing, tell her I have told the girls to stay away from the older boys, as they are teens and don;t want to be seen with younger girls blah blah blah blah. Same conversation we have almost every week, everything seemed fine, said goodby and came inside.

So back to this morning. Neigbour comes in she is visibly upset, and says I have not felt that sick since Blue (her dog) was hurt. Me: why whats happened are you alright whats wrong. Her: I would never hit someone elses kids. Me: confused, what?, then cottoning on, is this about yesterday.......then seeing the expression on her face said did you think I was serious yesterday.
She said yes, and I nearly died. I was incredulous, You could have lierally knocked me over. She handed me my front door keys and said I would like mine back, I have known you two years and I was shocked that you said that. I explained that I would never hit another child, that I have said it before often, but she had already made up her mind, she thought I was going to go over there and bash her childrens heads together. :(.

Now in hindsight I probably should not say half the things I do, and you can bet from now on I will be censoring everything I say, but honestly she has known me two years we have spends many many hours together, I am still gobsmacked she would think I would do such a thing.

I have been really upset all day, teary and I feel really awful, I feel llike a monster and I really am not.

Hopefully my job interview will go better tomorrow.

Hospitals, changes, the beat goes on

Wow so much to write where do I start LOL. Lets hope me brain does not go faster than my fingers and I will start from yesterday.

I had an angiogram yesterday to rule out pulmonary hypertension. Had to be at the hospital at 7am, so it was an early start in this house. Everyone was up at 5am and I had to have a shower before we got to the hospital to be clean and shiney for the procedure. We dropped the kids next door as Daryl was going to drop me off at the hospital then come back home to take them to school then back to the hospital to stay with me.

Now last time I had a angiogram I had a massive panic attack on the table just as the procedure started. It took me completely by surprise, I had never had one before, and quite frankly never would like one again. this time I was prepared and told them what happened.

I was taken into a room with a bed, told to put on a stunning *cough* purple gown, and very sexy paper undies. then a lovely nurse came and took all my details and went through the happenings of the day.

I told her about my panic attack, also about the fact I have spondolitis of my spine which makes it very painful to lay flat on my back after the procedure, which is a must. She was lovely and said she would speak to the doctor.

Now I was very calm which rather surprised me, I was not nervous yet, I had a small headache, and felt slightly ill, that would have been anxiety. So a lovely doctor came to chat to me, and he expressed concern that my INR levels were high and he was unsure if the procedure would go ahead as with INR being high I was at a greater risk of bleeding. My vascular Doctor was being called down to consult. He told me if it did go ahead I would be given oral vitamin K to lower my INR thus thickening my blood and making the procedure safer.

He also said that they would give me valium before the procdeure to help with anxiety, even though I did tell him I had it last time and it did diddly squat.

So My vasular Doctor came down and decided that we would go ahead and do the right heart pressure check, and he in fact would do the procedure. He ordered a drip to be put in to keep me hydrated and to allow them to administer a relaxant when the procedure was done.

I must say vitamin k tastes absolutley disgusting.

So I go to have the procedure done, I am on a teeny table drapped in a sterile sheet, painted with chlorhexadine. Right about now the panic starts, my breathing starts to quicken and my heart rate starts to raise. The doctor comes in and the tears start. He tells me he os going to give me a local, I feel the prick and sting and its all over, I start panting, desperatley trying to keep it together, panting and trying not to move, he stops immediatley and they give me something via the drip but its too late, My pulse is fast, I am trying not to hyperventilate, and stay calm, the doctor pushes on with what he is doing and I can hear myself making little nosies. It was awful. Finally he says its all over. I am so relieved, my fingers are cramped from holding each other hard. My head is pounding.

I am taken to recovery where a nurse puts lots of pressure on my groin where the sheath still is. after 10 mins they remove it and apply pressure for another 10 mins. Apparently I am not bleeding much, I am raised ever so slightly and told I have to lay flat for an hour, then I can sit up.

by now it is 5pm, I have been here since 7am and I just want to go home.

We have to see the doctor first to get results, so finally he comes to see us and lets us know......NO you do not have pulmonary hypertension, the pressures in the right side of your heart are normal. However, the pressures in the left side are slightly elevated. Not ebough for us to be very concerned about, but we will keep an eye on it.
It can be casue by a few things, being over weight.Tick I have that, unhealthy eating....Tick I have that as well, and the biggie, sleep aponea,......more than likely have that. So he has ordered a sleep study to be done. I snore, I am always tired, I have fuzzy brain, I tick all the box's for aponea.

I am finally allowed to go home with a list of don;t do's. Dags comes to get me and off we go.

ON the way home he mentions that he thinks he has something in his eye, it is very very red and angry, it has been like it all day, but we put it down to him being tired. So we get home and his eye is really giving him grief, he thinks maybe a piece of metal got in it the night before at work. I put some drops in it for him and we both go to bed.

This morning is is red raw and swollen, so while we are grocery shopping we stop in at a optomotrist and have it looked at. Yep piece of metal in it, optomotrist is able to get some of the metal aout, but it is in very deep, and he is worried abot casueing permanent eye damage so reffers hubby to PA hospital (where I was yesterday) Eye Emergency department to get the rest out.

So home we come, Hubby calls work and explains whats happening, The OH&S lady comes and picks him up and takes him to the hospital. (one of the don'ts for me is do not drive untill Thurday). So from 12pm he is at the hospital. The hospital remove the last piece of metal from his eye.....it is very deep. Give him some antibiotic drops and send him home. No patch, no nothing. His eye is so sore he is walking around with all the lights off and dark sunnies on, becasue the slightest bit of light really hurts him :(((((((.

So thats the last 2 days in a nut shell. I need to loose a shit load of weight, and totally overhaul my lifestyle, and DH has a really sore eye.

Ho HUM.........

CHALLENGE DAY # 14

A Picture of someone you can never imagine your life without.

Another really hard one, and one I had to think really hard about. I first thought my Husband, but although I love him dearly he has only been in my life for a relatively short time, I would miss him more than words can say, but for the sake of this challenge the answer has to be my mum.

Mum the day she was married, all of 19 ♥

Mum is the one I call for answers to almost anything, mum is the one I want when really sick, Mum is the one who makes me feel better. I simply can't imagine her not being here anymore, as she has always been here for me.

CHALLENGE # DAY 17

A picture of something that has a huge impact on your life recently.

Having large PE'S being told that you are lucky to be alive and then never being the same again certainly qualifies I think.

CHALLENGE #Day 2

Day 2 A picture of yourself with the person you have been closest to the longest.

My mum, my hero. I am closest to my mum than any other living soul and I always have been. I simply can;t imaine life without my mum, without talking to her on the phone, without calling her for advice on absolutley everything. My mum who raised all us kids on her own and di it so incredibly tough. I love my mum to bits.

CHALLENGE # DAY 21

Picture of something you wish you were better at.

I would like to be a better mother, a better healer and a better witch. I would like to be a better me.

CHALLENGE # DAY 11

A picture of Something you hate

I hate with a passion animal cruelty. Nothing gets me more angry than this cause. I am not a violent person but I will happily hurt another human who thinks it is ok to harm animals. It sickens me that this crime is not taken more seriously and that the punishment is not more severe for those who are caught. Did you know that most serial killers, and those criminal who are convicted of crimes that are considered particularly cruel and barbaric started out killing and harming animals, yep thats right most of ur worst criminal started off hurting animals.

Anyone wh is capable of doing this should be locked up for the term of their natural life.

CHALLENGE DAY #18

A picture of your biggest insecurity

Heavens where do I start, I am a walking insecurity, I am insecure about how I look, how I am, abosolutley everything.

A am a walking mass of insecurities

CHALLENGE # DAY 10

A picure of the person you do the most screwed up things with

I actually don;t know what this means but the person I have done the most things with is my sister. We have gone out together, danced, drank, driven long distances, been on holidays, had good times, and bad. She lives in WA now and I miss her.

My beautiful sister and My Daughter Abby on my wedding day

CHALLENGE # DAY 19

A picture of you when you were little.

here I am when I was 6 weeks old, when I was 4, and aas a toddler with my beloved cats. (I have had cats all my life).

CHALLENGE # DAY 6

Post a picture of the person you would like to trade places with for the day.

That girl standing behind her brothers. I would be heer again, happy carefree with not a worry in the world. I miss her so very much

CHALLENGE DAY #16

A picture of someone who inspires you

I don't know who inspires me, I think when I think about it it would have to be the woman in the picture. She is magical, lives her life as a witch, teaches what she knows, is a beautiful soul inside and out, and I wish I could be more like her.

The Beautiful and magikal Lucy Cavendish

CHALLENGE: # DAY 1

Day One....Picture of yourself with 15 facts.

1/ I am 45
2/ I have Green eyes
3/ I am Married
4/ I have 2 children
5/ I am a pagan
6/ I love music from the 70's and 80's
7/ I love fantasy books and movies
8/ I have a fascination for true crime and forensic
science
9/ I am a Dental Nurse
10/ I read Oracle cards and Craft Wands
11/ I am the eldest of 4 children
12/ My mum is my hero
13/ I love all animals passionately
14/ I have 2 cats and 1 Dog
15/ Music makes me happy

CHALLENGE # DAY 15

A picture of something you want to do before you die

I want to go to Glastonbury and Study to be a prietess of Avalon.

CHALLENGE # DAY 5

A picture of your favorite memory.

A memory that I love watching the waltons on a Sunday night with my mum. I loved this wonderful wholesome show with its many children, parents and grandparents. I would lay on mums lap and we as a family would watch this show.
In fact this and the muppets, anf mash, and a few other tv shows bring back happy childhood memories. ♥

CHALLENGE # DAY 7

Post a picture of your most treasured Item.

My dog.......This Jarrah she is my most treasured Item. I love her so much and she me. She make me happy, she is always happy to see me, and I her. She is my sanity.

CHALLENGE # DAY 12

A picture of something you love

mmmmmmmmm well I love my cats and I love my Dog, I love my mum and I love my brothers and sister, I love my Husband and I love my children, I love my friends as well I can't put all their pictures here.
How does one pick somthing they love..... I love so many things. I love things that make me happy.

CHALLENGE # DAY 3

Post a picture of the cast of your favorite TV show.

Supernatural, the story of the Winchester brothers who are "Hunters". They hunt ghosts, demons, vampires and all things nasty. It is my most favorite show on TV at the moment. It also helps that the main characters are very very easy on the eye. :-)

CHALLENGE # DAY 9

A Picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Heavens this is a hard one becasue there is not one person there are a few who have been in my life at different stages. I don;t tell anyone at all everything so really there is no one person just lots of differnt perople who I have talked to those that happened to be in my life at different times. So I guess the person I relyed on the most is me.........I Guess

CHALLENGE # DAY 8

Post a Picture that makes you Laugh

This is Erin she is about 2. She has just woken from a sleep and she was paying with Oscar who has always been drawn to Erin. Erin layed daown and Oscar layed down and stretched right out beside her, she was talking to him and he was trying to touch her head. It was realy sweet. They were actually playing. It always makes me laught. Oscar still follows her around, and likes to sit on her or near her.

CHALLENGE # DAY 4

Post a picture of your night.

My night time, the time of peace and the time when most of my tears come. Its when all is still when I can finally be myself, when I no longer have to pretentd to anyone anymore. Nightime when it is dark and I can fall into that sweet oblivion called sleep.

CHALLENGE # DAY 13

A Picture of your favorite band or artist.

This is a hard one as I love all music and I have many favorite bands and artists. I love Harry Neillson, Roy Orbison, Johnny Cash, America, the eagles, Billy Joel, Metalica, and so many others.

For the purpose of this challenge I will choose Pink Floyd, as they are timeless and I truly love their music.