Long weekend

So its Monday, a longweekend Monday. Cold, wet, miserable Monday. Hubby up becasue he wanted to "clean this filthy house". This seems to be his mantra, said to himself, actually aimed at me. Honestly does he think I don't get he is aiming it at me. So the ususal stomping around, huffing and puffing begings. Me vaccuning the lungeroom out of guilt becasue I don;t know what else to do, the kids cleaning their rooms, which are disgustingly untidy and I have been nagging them all week to clean. The atmosphere in the house is one of walking on eggshells yet again, a cranky husband, kids cleaning when they would rather be making more mess, me trying to help and actually seeming to just get in the way. I hate days like this, I hate the inuendos, I hate being made to feel guilty, like I don;t pull my weight, and I am a lazy good for nothing hopeless housewife. then throw in the fact that he has worked hours and hours of overtime this week so we can pay bills. the cost of living has climbed really high but wages have not, especially when you are on one wage, and so living has become a real issue now. I will soon be getting rid of my mobile phine. I don;t need it, I will buy outright a $49 cheap and nasty and buy credit monthly. I think I will also have a big pagan garage sale and sell off all my beloved pagan treasures all except a few items, then should help as well. Maybe I will just go get a job and not tell anyone I have medical problems, and work untill I can no longer walk anymore. tonight is one of those nights I could just disappear, its all too hard and my heart hurts more than my physical pain.

Alone again naturally

Yes the title of a song I actually really like. :). I sat up last night drinking and talking to some good freinds, drinking talking crying. Hubby got home from bed and was a little surprised I think ay how many empty bottles were collected on the table (I don't normally drink). We went to bed I was drunk and high from taking too many pain killers and oh so sad. I cried and cried, and sobbed and tried to tell him how I felt and messed it up. I got out I am in pain, and sick of it, I got out I want to disappear, I rambled he listened not saying much of anything he just held me, and I sobbed. I basically told him I loved him but it was ok to leave if he wanted, he said her didn;t want to ever leave me. There was so much more I wanted to say, should have said, but the mess I am could just lay there and shake and sob uncontrollably. He was tired, he works long hard hours, I said I was going to get up and have another drink, he said no I want you to stay here in my arms safe. To day he has gone on a work social function, its been planned for a few weeks, it will be a big night and he does not know if he is even coming home...........I didn;t want to be home alone, I still don;t. ihave called around to see what friends are doing but they are all busy, of course they are, they have lives and fun. I don;t want to be alone tonight, I am afraid of being alone, I don't want this anymore

Always in pain of some sort

Yes thats me always in pain be in mental or physical although these days its mostly physical. Funny thing about pain, you can;t see it, and you can't describe it except to say it hurts and when it goes on for days and days on end it gets you down. Thtas when they start talking about coping technicques. Well screw that I want a magic cure and be pain fecking free just like the many others who suffer pain. Mine is lower back pain, and like millions around the globe it really gets you down after a while. There are only so many Valium and morphine based drugs you can take, and throw in I am on warfarin on top of that and it becomes a night pare to manage pain with medication. Not to mention those who simply do not believe that you are in pain in the first place, or that it is aas bad as it is.........get over it, do more things and it will get better, loose weight (always a favoroite of mine) and magically all the pain will go away. Went to the GP today and told her I wanted to stop all my medications, she told me it was a bad idea....asked me why and I told her becasue I have had enough and want to open a vein........no one listens to me, no one close to me understands. We live on one wage, I am sure people think I simply do not want to work..........I do but I know it will kill me, I can only work 20 hours a week, I have multipal medical problems, I have to do a job that lets me get up and wander about when I need to. I am 46 years old..........yes there are simply 100's of job opportunities out there for me.......It hurts me to drive the friggin car becasue it hurts to sit down, right now typing this my back is hurting but my legs are aching so bad I would cut the feckers off with a chainsaw if I had one handy. Hubby says you need to exercise, you can walk the dog she needs exercise too. Thing is I will do it becasue he does not understand how much it hurts to be pulled along by the dog.......he simply does not get that it will cripple me , my back legs and hips. He just does not understand, he thinks I am making it up or exaggerating I am sure, his answer do it more and it will get better, problem is it doesn;t it gets worse, so very much worse. I do some house work, vaccume, cleand ect becasue he is forever dropping hints at how dirty the house is and he has to do all the cleaning. So the guilt trip I am already on becomes 100% worse. So I do what I should be doing. It hurts like a son of a bitch, I pop pills and become a cranky withdrawn bitch in pain. Once again it does not get easy the more you do it it gets worse.....so much worse. How do you explain to people I am not being lazy. I do want to help you, it just hurts like a mother fucker, and will do so for the next 3 days or so knowing you will get the look that says..........sure it will. Today I told all this to my GP, she upped my pain killers to morning and night and valium as well as night, panadol 2 tabs 3 times a day, so now I am a pill junkie as well, wonder what that will do to my already screwed up head. Told her about my shocking memory loss, forgetting names of simple household items, names of places, even my own last name. She told me its a mix of the pain killers and anxiety. Thats just great. I love sleep and wake thinking nooooooooo not yet, I don;t want it to be another day already. I don;t want to live like this anymore. I don;t want to be invisible and not listened to anymore. :(

Well its been almost 12 months since I came close toloosing Jarrah to a teeny tiny critter called a tick. Then I got lazy, and couldn't be bothered writing what I thought. My thoughts were not that interesting anyway, and as usualy they were scattered, like leaves in a breeze, all over the place. Perfectly coherent in my head , but as soon as I tried to place them out of my head they turn to rambleings of nothing, so I stopped. Buth this morning, as the sun shines and I find myself home alone, I feel as though I am drowning, and I have so much to say, well in my head I do, many words, many things, but getting them from my head to anywhere else is a real challenge, and still I feel like I can;t treat water for much longer. its funny people say whats wrong, and I say nothing.......becasue in all honesty I have no idea how to answer. what do you say, everything, nothing, I don;t know, becasue its not one thing, its many many things and jumbled together, all spinning together faster and faster, and somethinges something else gets added to the mix, and it never stops. Perhaps its just me, perhaps I am just a drama queen and should just "get on with it", that thought crosses my mind daily. I seem to be coming increasingly invisable, and although I have never activly thought about topping myself (Guilt would never let me do it) I o ften think about just not being here anymore, and if anyone would actually really miss me deep down after the normal mourning period. This thought is almost a daily thought now, but it will never happen becasue People would get angry at me, and so guilt makes me not take the thoughts any further. Good ole me always thinking of everyone else and making sure I do whatever it takes to make them happy. Cause thats what you do right? I suspect its not really ok to be sad every day, to cry at nothing at random times. To thinnk about stopping all my meds becasue I know it will either kill me or make me really really sick..........but if you ask me whats wrong, don;t expect me to tell you. I will answer I am good. Becasue I am still upreight and breathing, I still get up in the mornings and function, and becasue I really don;t want to discuss how broken I actually am with anyone, so for now I will keep treading water, untill I sink.