well Its Monday the start of another week, and the Last day of Febuary.
Today I went and filld in all the paperwork I needed to for QLD heath for my new Job, and man what a lot of paper work. So now a police check is begun, and a blue card will be issued and then I can start my new job. Iam now a paid member of the Dental assistants association of QLD as well. So its all go.
I ordered my dress for tals wedding today as well, from HolyClothing, I hope it looks ok, its very pagan/witchy so its very me. As I am very fat and dumpy nothing much will look good anyway and this wedding will be full of beautiful people, so I will hopefully be able to hide in a corner somewhere.
I have made two septres to sell and I will work on a wand tomorrow, I am hoping they all sell so I can host a drum workshop and make my own drum. Thats the plan anyway. So far there has been no interest though.
Yesterday We went to Ikea, and I saw some beautiful things including a desk that I would love. I want so many things, I wish I could work full time so we could finish off doing the inside of the house and get the kids new beds and chest of draws, and then get us a desperately needed matress. *sigh* Oh well.
Now off to fight to get children to bed
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Guilty Much?
So after my long rant yesterday, this morning I got up, got kids ready for school and was about 20 mins off leaving when Hubby got up as well. this was a little unusual as by friday he is normally knackered from nights all week and sleeps in untill I wake him for lunch then he goes to work.
He then says I am coming with you to do the school run. It had been an uncomfortable silence all morning so a thre on a pair of shoes at the last second (normally I go barefoot as I don;t get out of the car) and off we went. I left my keys and phone and wallet at home.
So we drop kids off and there is silence in the car, I was thinking about the weekend, how I can get $300 together to host a drum making workshop, Abby going to dance, blah blah blah. About 15 mins in I sort of notice that we are going the wrong way, I think we are heading toward the city rather than home, but I doubt myself and so take more notice of my surrounds, about this time Hubby asks ar'nt you going to ask where we are going.
I say I thought we were going the wrong way but I was not really certain, but now I am, so where are we going.
He says I thought we might go into the city to a cafe on the river for breakfast.
I almost died, I knew this was his way of apologising for yesterday, I knew, well I felt he was feeling guilty and had done all day, the empath in me switched on immediately and I could feel this was his sorry, that he did feel bad about his actions, and guilty as well. So we went and had a lovely breakfast by the riverside this morning, something we have never done before.
It was really nice, but I still felt let down. I am still too afraid to bring up anything to do with money and I still am unsure about ...........well everything really, but it was a beautiful gesture from him, and it was really nice.
He then says I am coming with you to do the school run. It had been an uncomfortable silence all morning so a thre on a pair of shoes at the last second (normally I go barefoot as I don;t get out of the car) and off we went. I left my keys and phone and wallet at home.
So we drop kids off and there is silence in the car, I was thinking about the weekend, how I can get $300 together to host a drum making workshop, Abby going to dance, blah blah blah. About 15 mins in I sort of notice that we are going the wrong way, I think we are heading toward the city rather than home, but I doubt myself and so take more notice of my surrounds, about this time Hubby asks ar'nt you going to ask where we are going.
I say I thought we were going the wrong way but I was not really certain, but now I am, so where are we going.
He says I thought we might go into the city to a cafe on the river for breakfast.
I almost died, I knew this was his way of apologising for yesterday, I knew, well I felt he was feeling guilty and had done all day, the empath in me switched on immediately and I could feel this was his sorry, that he did feel bad about his actions, and guilty as well. So we went and had a lovely breakfast by the riverside this morning, something we have never done before.
It was really nice, but I still felt let down. I am still too afraid to bring up anything to do with money and I still am unsure about ...........well everything really, but it was a beautiful gesture from him, and it was really nice.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
F.A.I.L
Well today has turned out to be one huge F.A.I.L.
So here I was thinking that my husband was still in love with me, don't get me wrong I think he may still love me but not be in love with me. I guess I have suspected as much for a while really. I mean the whole not working for two years, constantly being sick, costing so much money health wise and stuff has got to put a strain on a marriage.
The way he speaks to me at times, the whole passive aggresive thing, the way he looks at me sometimes, I mean maybe I am just a hopeless romantic but honestly I thought when you loved someone you just didn't speak to them like that, and if you did out of anger, you apologised. I have been made to feel guilty for so long, and although I don't think it is intentional, the fact is it is happening more and more.
At first I thought I was being super paranoid and sensative about him not being in love with me anymore, and always seeming to be angry with me, and talking to me in a barely controlled angry voice, but when your 8year old asks Mum why is Daddy always angry with you.....well you can't pretend anymore can you.
Sad thing is we don't talk about anything, he won't he just gets really angry and clams up, and me......well I just cry and cry and simply can't speak.
He tells me all the time he loves me, and I ask myself really, is this what love is? perhaps my expectations are too high and I am after television romance and it simply does not exsist.
Today we have been married 10 years, for me thats a huge dea;, and in my ideal world we would have had a romantic weekend away this coming weekend that we both would be excited about. This morning would have been all mushy with cuddles and remembering our wedding. I bought him a beautiful card, and left it on his computer for when he got home for work this morning.
In reality there was nothing, except him checking the bank account this morning and quizzing me on money that had been spent, when he realized I had spent $57 the who;e passive aggressive came out...."well we were going out for lunch", but we won't be now. stomping around then sat down and watched TV till I left to pick up the kids.
I felt just like a naughty kid being punished, and it hit me right then, I don;t think my husband is in love with me at all. Its our 10th wedding anniversary and the man I am in love with so much, does not feel the same. I went and picked up the kids weeping all the way
went to the doctors, took the kids to maccas, where surprise they were whinging as well, and I was thinking you know, if I went home and took all the pills in my little box, who would give a fuck really......sure people would be surprised and shocked, but after a week or so, who would actually care. Then the guilt hit, my mum would be devistated as would the girls and in all honestly I could never harm another human like that so even though I thought it, my own guilt would assure I never did anything like it.
But right now, I simply feel deflated and hollow, and incredibly sad.
I think I need to drastically lower my expectations of what love is, it is not all flowers, and I love you's, and sweep of your feet romance it seems. Reality is much harsher.
So here I was thinking that my husband was still in love with me, don't get me wrong I think he may still love me but not be in love with me. I guess I have suspected as much for a while really. I mean the whole not working for two years, constantly being sick, costing so much money health wise and stuff has got to put a strain on a marriage.
The way he speaks to me at times, the whole passive aggresive thing, the way he looks at me sometimes, I mean maybe I am just a hopeless romantic but honestly I thought when you loved someone you just didn't speak to them like that, and if you did out of anger, you apologised. I have been made to feel guilty for so long, and although I don't think it is intentional, the fact is it is happening more and more.
At first I thought I was being super paranoid and sensative about him not being in love with me anymore, and always seeming to be angry with me, and talking to me in a barely controlled angry voice, but when your 8year old asks Mum why is Daddy always angry with you.....well you can't pretend anymore can you.
Sad thing is we don't talk about anything, he won't he just gets really angry and clams up, and me......well I just cry and cry and simply can't speak.
He tells me all the time he loves me, and I ask myself really, is this what love is? perhaps my expectations are too high and I am after television romance and it simply does not exsist.
Today we have been married 10 years, for me thats a huge dea;, and in my ideal world we would have had a romantic weekend away this coming weekend that we both would be excited about. This morning would have been all mushy with cuddles and remembering our wedding. I bought him a beautiful card, and left it on his computer for when he got home for work this morning.
In reality there was nothing, except him checking the bank account this morning and quizzing me on money that had been spent, when he realized I had spent $57 the who;e passive aggressive came out...."well we were going out for lunch", but we won't be now. stomping around then sat down and watched TV till I left to pick up the kids.
I felt just like a naughty kid being punished, and it hit me right then, I don;t think my husband is in love with me at all. Its our 10th wedding anniversary and the man I am in love with so much, does not feel the same. I went and picked up the kids weeping all the way
went to the doctors, took the kids to maccas, where surprise they were whinging as well, and I was thinking you know, if I went home and took all the pills in my little box, who would give a fuck really......sure people would be surprised and shocked, but after a week or so, who would actually care. Then the guilt hit, my mum would be devistated as would the girls and in all honestly I could never harm another human like that so even though I thought it, my own guilt would assure I never did anything like it.
But right now, I simply feel deflated and hollow, and incredibly sad.
I think I need to drastically lower my expectations of what love is, it is not all flowers, and I love you's, and sweep of your feet romance it seems. Reality is much harsher.
10 years today
I have been married 10 years today .......yep a whole decade.
Are we doing anything to celebrate nope. I gave him a card. I wanted to have a romantic weekend away but we can;t afford it. I thought we could at least go out for lunch. Seems not, he checked the bank account, saw I had bought something for $57 and as punishment was told well then we were going out for lunch but we can;t now, in that tone that speaks volumes.
So like a naughty child I am being punished by not going out for lunch. Silly me thinking ten years was something special....semms it is only something special to me. So happy anniversary to me, this has turned out to be a rather sucky day.
Are we doing anything to celebrate nope. I gave him a card. I wanted to have a romantic weekend away but we can;t afford it. I thought we could at least go out for lunch. Seems not, he checked the bank account, saw I had bought something for $57 and as punishment was told well then we were going out for lunch but we can;t now, in that tone that speaks volumes.
So like a naughty child I am being punished by not going out for lunch. Silly me thinking ten years was something special....semms it is only something special to me. So happy anniversary to me, this has turned out to be a rather sucky day.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
A decade
Sooooooooo on the 24th I have been married 10 years....yep a decade. I can;t believe it I really can't and for a few reasons. The main one being I never in my woldest dreams thought I would ever marry, I mean I was single and thirty, all my friens were married, or at least had boyfriends......I never even had a long term boyfriend or had I ever. Then I laid eyes on my now hubby and knew straight away he was the one....even though he is 7 years younger than me LOL.
Just look how young and fresh faced I was back then.
Speaking of weddings I have two to attend in the first half of this year, on is my SIL and the other my very good friend and soul mate. So today I went and had a look at dresses to wear, and came away totally shattered. I found a few really nice dresses, went to try them on and almost cried when confronted with the imaged that looked back at me.
The dressed looked positively hideous on, I looked hideous, and there is no way I could ever front up at a wedding looking like there, to have people look and talk behind hands. I just burst into tears in the change room, it was a shattering thing. Clothes are just not meant for big girls.......well not this one anyway. So now I have nothing to wear, it has been years and years since I had to dress up for anything, and now I don;t want to go. :(((((((. I am embarrased for my hubby, and for the peoples who's wedding we have been invited to. I don;t know what I am going to do just yet.
Tomorrow I have to go for a pelvic ultrasound, and this one will be done internally as well as externally *shudder*. They will be looking for the reason for the last two super heavy periods I had seeing as I have never had a heavy period in my whole life and suddenly I am getting them so bad I look like the victim of a murder. Also why my feet keep swelling so bad, and yet I am not retaining fluid anywhere else as in hands, face, ankles ect ect ect.
So they are looking for abnormal growths, fibroyds, cysts, narrowing of blood vessles, clots, ect ect ect. Should lnow something by next week.
On a good note, today I found out I got the job as a casual on call dental assistant for QLD health. This basically means that should someone be away and they need someone to cover for them then I am in the casual pool they will call. So I may get lots of work or none, I could be called to work all over Brisbane, but the money is great, and provided I can organise the kids and being picked up from school it should be great.
I have a all day training day early March, I go in on Monday to give paperwork to get the ball rolling for the poilce check and Blue card, then I will be set. Lets hope I can actually work for a little while before something happens health wise and I have to give up again.
I really wish we could have gone away for our wedding anniversary, just the two of us. :(.
Speaking of weddings I have two to attend in the first half of this year, on is my SIL and the other my very good friend and soul mate. So today I went and had a look at dresses to wear, and came away totally shattered. I found a few really nice dresses, went to try them on and almost cried when confronted with the imaged that looked back at me.
The dressed looked positively hideous on, I looked hideous, and there is no way I could ever front up at a wedding looking like there, to have people look and talk behind hands. I just burst into tears in the change room, it was a shattering thing. Clothes are just not meant for big girls.......well not this one anyway. So now I have nothing to wear, it has been years and years since I had to dress up for anything, and now I don;t want to go. :(((((((. I am embarrased for my hubby, and for the peoples who's wedding we have been invited to. I don;t know what I am going to do just yet.
Tomorrow I have to go for a pelvic ultrasound, and this one will be done internally as well as externally *shudder*. They will be looking for the reason for the last two super heavy periods I had seeing as I have never had a heavy period in my whole life and suddenly I am getting them so bad I look like the victim of a murder. Also why my feet keep swelling so bad, and yet I am not retaining fluid anywhere else as in hands, face, ankles ect ect ect.
So they are looking for abnormal growths, fibroyds, cysts, narrowing of blood vessles, clots, ect ect ect. Should lnow something by next week.
On a good note, today I found out I got the job as a casual on call dental assistant for QLD health. This basically means that should someone be away and they need someone to cover for them then I am in the casual pool they will call. So I may get lots of work or none, I could be called to work all over Brisbane, but the money is great, and provided I can organise the kids and being picked up from school it should be great.
I have a all day training day early March, I go in on Monday to give paperwork to get the ball rolling for the poilce check and Blue card, then I will be set. Lets hope I can actually work for a little while before something happens health wise and I have to give up again.
I really wish we could have gone away for our wedding anniversary, just the two of us. :(.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A fractured soul
Yes indeed thats how I feel like my very soul is fractured, cracked in many places. Its very hard to put into words actually.
I cry most nights, when I crawl into bed when I am finally alone, kids asleep and the house is silent and I am totally alone. I deep and all encompassing sorow decends on me and I cry, sometimes I just weep, sometimes I cry, great big sobs, and I can;t stop. The type of crying that gives you a headache, gut wrenching from the soul crying. I can;t tell you why, there is not just one reason, there are many, hundreds of reasons that play like a long list that go a hundred miles an hour in my thoughts.
So what will make me happy I wonder, I mean soul happy, feeling satisfied happy, and I really don;t know. I often think, if I did not have to worry about how we are going to live day to day, not be rich but be able to pay bills and eat would be good, then perhappys I would be a little happy. To not have the guilt of not working for so long perhaps another piece of happiness,
to be thin and beautiful so my husband would love me more, another piece of happiness, to be normal and not need meds, another piece of happiness, but would it......would it really.
Perhaps I am just a sad sack, a whingy whiney sad sack even if no one ever sees it really. perhaps I am normal and in reality no one is actually happy, who knows.
Perhaps chest pain and anxiety attacks are normal, perhaps feeling like a failure and a lesser human are normal as well. Perhaps crying every night is normal.
I really don't know, I just know I feel on edge all the time, and sad.
I cry most nights, when I crawl into bed when I am finally alone, kids asleep and the house is silent and I am totally alone. I deep and all encompassing sorow decends on me and I cry, sometimes I just weep, sometimes I cry, great big sobs, and I can;t stop. The type of crying that gives you a headache, gut wrenching from the soul crying. I can;t tell you why, there is not just one reason, there are many, hundreds of reasons that play like a long list that go a hundred miles an hour in my thoughts.
So what will make me happy I wonder, I mean soul happy, feeling satisfied happy, and I really don;t know. I often think, if I did not have to worry about how we are going to live day to day, not be rich but be able to pay bills and eat would be good, then perhappys I would be a little happy. To not have the guilt of not working for so long perhaps another piece of happiness,
to be thin and beautiful so my husband would love me more, another piece of happiness, to be normal and not need meds, another piece of happiness, but would it......would it really.
Perhaps I am just a sad sack, a whingy whiney sad sack even if no one ever sees it really. perhaps I am normal and in reality no one is actually happy, who knows.
Perhaps chest pain and anxiety attacks are normal, perhaps feeling like a failure and a lesser human are normal as well. Perhaps crying every night is normal.
I really don't know, I just know I feel on edge all the time, and sad.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentines day
So its valentines day, yep a day of romance and flowers, and I love you and dinner and blah blah blah. Yeah right.
Not here, never here. I always wanted romance just once, but nope, he does not believe in it, Its crap, a waste of money ect ect. He told me once if I ever buy you flowers then start to worry and I have never forgotten it.
We have NEVER een on a date........nope never ever. He has never been romantic not ever. He has NEVER bought me flowers.........he is not romantic. *sigh*. Just once I would like romance.
We have been married 10 years in two weeks. Wonder if I will get romance then................probably not.
Yep valentines day, just another day here.
Not here, never here. I always wanted romance just once, but nope, he does not believe in it, Its crap, a waste of money ect ect. He told me once if I ever buy you flowers then start to worry and I have never forgotten it.
We have NEVER een on a date........nope never ever. He has never been romantic not ever. He has NEVER bought me flowers.........he is not romantic. *sigh*. Just once I would like romance.
We have been married 10 years in two weeks. Wonder if I will get romance then................probably not.
Yep valentines day, just another day here.
Friday, February 11, 2011
shhhhhhhh don't break the silence
Shhhhhh it oh so quiet, Kids are at school. Jarrah is asleep on the loor next to me, Whisper on the table in front of me, Husband in bed. So very quiet. Outside a lone cicada is singing off and on and far in the distance a maggie warbles. My computer is humming, and they are the only sounds I hear besides the tapping of the keys as I type. It is devine.
If only my brain and the thoughts that continue to flow within it would now be silent for a while.
If only my brain and the thoughts that continue to flow within it would now be silent for a while.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Soooooooooo Its Thursday and not much has changed
Well seems my Neighbour is not going to talk to me ever again :(. I am still a little shell shocked over the whole incident actually and feel really sad about the whole thing. Hubby says its her loss as we did do a great deal for her and I enjoyed helping her out, but I still feel really bad about the whole thing.
On A slightly brighter note, Abby is going to be a cheerleader, yes she is going to wear a short skirt and dance and do acrobats with pom poms LOL. She is so so so excited and I am excited for her, however I have no idea where we are going to find the money to do this. This is going to be a very busy year for my miss turning 11, between dancing, year 6 and now cheerleading, but I am hoping all will give her confidence, and help her to mature a little, as she is a very young 10.
Well nothing much else unless you count my apparent anxiety attacks, fast beating heart, andrenalin rush, sick to the belly, exactly the feelings you get when really nervous except mine come on any time out of the blue last about 5-10 mins and are driving me insane. Have had them since the thing with the neighbour and they show no sign of going away. :( I can bring them on by thinking about money, but usually the hit completly out of the blue, like driving along in the car. Wish they would go away.
On A slightly brighter note, Abby is going to be a cheerleader, yes she is going to wear a short skirt and dance and do acrobats with pom poms LOL. She is so so so excited and I am excited for her, however I have no idea where we are going to find the money to do this. This is going to be a very busy year for my miss turning 11, between dancing, year 6 and now cheerleading, but I am hoping all will give her confidence, and help her to mature a little, as she is a very young 10.
Well nothing much else unless you count my apparent anxiety attacks, fast beating heart, andrenalin rush, sick to the belly, exactly the feelings you get when really nervous except mine come on any time out of the blue last about 5-10 mins and are driving me insane. Have had them since the thing with the neighbour and they show no sign of going away. :( I can bring them on by thinking about money, but usually the hit completly out of the blue, like driving along in the car. Wish they would go away.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Tuesday all day
So as the title says its Tuesday.
Yesterdays interview seemed to go well, except the position was casual not permanent part time as I had originally thought, and becasue of this and the fact I have two girls at school that need to be picked up I can't take it unless I can be at school by 3pm every day.
I explained this to the very nice panel and they were great. I asked if they could keep me in mind for anything thay may come up with set hours as then at least I can book after school care or organise work around DH, and they said give us the hours you can work and we shall work around that.
They also aked questions that were not on the persusal sheet of questions that they gave me, so it is all done now and what will be shall be.
I have had a very strange jittery feeling since Sunday, its like a very nervous feeling, upset tummy, slight shakes and feeling jumpy and edgy and it will not go away. It like have a really bad case of the nerves like before a big event, and I can;t shake it. Its really odd, It like I am waiting for something to happen to me, but I have no idea what it could be. Perhaps its becasue we have a few bills here plus stuff we need to get for the kids, and lets not forget groceries, and we simply have no money at all. I worry constantly about what we are going to do.
It could also be becasue on Friday I run out of Topamax tablets, these are to sptop me from getting headaches becasue of the anurysum. I am supped to take one morning and night and we simply have not had the $50 untill tomorrow to buy them. Urgh trying to balance everything is really stressing me out.
I should know in two weeks about working and whats happening, in the meantime I am going to Join the Australlian Dental Assistants Association and do my training to become a qualified dental radiographer. Hopefully that will get me some work.
Yesterdays interview seemed to go well, except the position was casual not permanent part time as I had originally thought, and becasue of this and the fact I have two girls at school that need to be picked up I can't take it unless I can be at school by 3pm every day.
I explained this to the very nice panel and they were great. I asked if they could keep me in mind for anything thay may come up with set hours as then at least I can book after school care or organise work around DH, and they said give us the hours you can work and we shall work around that.
They also aked questions that were not on the persusal sheet of questions that they gave me, so it is all done now and what will be shall be.
I have had a very strange jittery feeling since Sunday, its like a very nervous feeling, upset tummy, slight shakes and feeling jumpy and edgy and it will not go away. It like have a really bad case of the nerves like before a big event, and I can;t shake it. Its really odd, It like I am waiting for something to happen to me, but I have no idea what it could be. Perhaps its becasue we have a few bills here plus stuff we need to get for the kids, and lets not forget groceries, and we simply have no money at all. I worry constantly about what we are going to do.
It could also be becasue on Friday I run out of Topamax tablets, these are to sptop me from getting headaches becasue of the anurysum. I am supped to take one morning and night and we simply have not had the $50 untill tomorrow to buy them. Urgh trying to balance everything is really stressing me out.
I should know in two weeks about working and whats happening, in the meantime I am going to Join the Australlian Dental Assistants Association and do my training to become a qualified dental radiographer. Hopefully that will get me some work.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Crap start to the week does not bode well
So here it is Sunday and what a craptacular start to the coming week I have had.
Woke up this morning to a bed covered in blood hello AF. First time ever this has happened to me. I looked like the victim of a axe fight, and to think DH changed the sheets yesterday as well. So up and shower at 7.30 so much for a sleep in.
It's stinking hot as well, and I have cramps and a lower back ache as well yay me. We have breakfast and set to finishing off the cleaning we stared yesterday.
There is a knock at the Door and my neighbour comes in.
We have been friends for 2 years, she is a single parent to 4 boys that live with her, and we see each other every day. My girls and her younger 2 boys play sometimes, and tase each other most other times, she has 2 teenage boys who like to pick on the girls and call them names ect and I have spoken to her about this before, we know it happens, if a boy thing but sometimes it verges on bullying, I have told the girls time and time again to ignor it. It has always gone on, boys saying girl germs ect ect.
Yesterday Abby was watching her eldest Daughter and her son (2) playing on the trampoline, Abby loves babies and loves to go over there and see the baby when he is visiting. All was good untill baby's mum went inside leaving baby and his dad outside with the two older boys who started. I was hanging washing on line and so boys not realise I was outside at time.
They were saying stuff like Abby stop staring your annoying, baby does not like you, get off ouf fence ect ect ect. The eldest boy said, you know I can cut your fingers off becasue they are over hanging our side and the law says anything over hanging our side we can cut off. Abby says I am not annoying you I am just watching the baby, and no you can't. I say to Abby get down Abby and come away now. Meanwhile, I hear something hit the fence and then DH car. Abby says don;t throw that you hit dads car. Then came over to me.
She was upset, told me the boys are always picking on her blah blah blah same thing I hear each week. I said to her, tell them to cut it out or I will bash there heads together. Now I make comments like this alll the time, don;t make me come up there with a stick and bash you, don;t make me bash your heads together, they are off the cuff comments, I say them all the time, I have always done so, have never thought anything of it untill today.
So lat night am talking to M (Neighbour) out the front. Relay the story to her, tell her what I said laughing, tell her I have told the girls to stay away from the older boys, as they are teens and don;t want to be seen with younger girls blah blah blah blah. Same conversation we have almost every week, everything seemed fine, said goodby and came inside.
So back to this morning. Neigbour comes in she is visibly upset, and says I have not felt that sick since Blue (her dog) was hurt. Me: why whats happened are you alright whats wrong. Her: I would never hit someone elses kids. Me: confused, what?, then cottoning on, is this about yesterday.......then seeing the expression on her face said did you think I was serious yesterday.
She said yes, and I nearly died. I was incredulous, You could have lierally knocked me over. She handed me my front door keys and said I would like mine back, I have known you two years and I was shocked that you said that. I explained that I would never hit another child, that I have said it before often, but she had already made up her mind, she thought I was going to go over there and bash her childrens heads together. :(.
Now in hindsight I probably should not say half the things I do, and you can bet from now on I will be censoring everything I say, but honestly she has known me two years we have spends many many hours together, I am still gobsmacked she would think I would do such a thing.
I have been really upset all day, teary and I feel really awful, I feel llike a monster and I really am not.
Hopefully my job interview will go better tomorrow.
Woke up this morning to a bed covered in blood hello AF. First time ever this has happened to me. I looked like the victim of a axe fight, and to think DH changed the sheets yesterday as well. So up and shower at 7.30 so much for a sleep in.
It's stinking hot as well, and I have cramps and a lower back ache as well yay me. We have breakfast and set to finishing off the cleaning we stared yesterday.
There is a knock at the Door and my neighbour comes in.
We have been friends for 2 years, she is a single parent to 4 boys that live with her, and we see each other every day. My girls and her younger 2 boys play sometimes, and tase each other most other times, she has 2 teenage boys who like to pick on the girls and call them names ect and I have spoken to her about this before, we know it happens, if a boy thing but sometimes it verges on bullying, I have told the girls time and time again to ignor it. It has always gone on, boys saying girl germs ect ect.
Yesterday Abby was watching her eldest Daughter and her son (2) playing on the trampoline, Abby loves babies and loves to go over there and see the baby when he is visiting. All was good untill baby's mum went inside leaving baby and his dad outside with the two older boys who started. I was hanging washing on line and so boys not realise I was outside at time.
They were saying stuff like Abby stop staring your annoying, baby does not like you, get off ouf fence ect ect ect. The eldest boy said, you know I can cut your fingers off becasue they are over hanging our side and the law says anything over hanging our side we can cut off. Abby says I am not annoying you I am just watching the baby, and no you can't. I say to Abby get down Abby and come away now. Meanwhile, I hear something hit the fence and then DH car. Abby says don;t throw that you hit dads car. Then came over to me.
She was upset, told me the boys are always picking on her blah blah blah same thing I hear each week. I said to her, tell them to cut it out or I will bash there heads together. Now I make comments like this alll the time, don;t make me come up there with a stick and bash you, don;t make me bash your heads together, they are off the cuff comments, I say them all the time, I have always done so, have never thought anything of it untill today.
So lat night am talking to M (Neighbour) out the front. Relay the story to her, tell her what I said laughing, tell her I have told the girls to stay away from the older boys, as they are teens and don;t want to be seen with younger girls blah blah blah blah. Same conversation we have almost every week, everything seemed fine, said goodby and came inside.
So back to this morning. Neigbour comes in she is visibly upset, and says I have not felt that sick since Blue (her dog) was hurt. Me: why whats happened are you alright whats wrong. Her: I would never hit someone elses kids. Me: confused, what?, then cottoning on, is this about yesterday.......then seeing the expression on her face said did you think I was serious yesterday.
She said yes, and I nearly died. I was incredulous, You could have lierally knocked me over. She handed me my front door keys and said I would like mine back, I have known you two years and I was shocked that you said that. I explained that I would never hit another child, that I have said it before often, but she had already made up her mind, she thought I was going to go over there and bash her childrens heads together. :(.
Now in hindsight I probably should not say half the things I do, and you can bet from now on I will be censoring everything I say, but honestly she has known me two years we have spends many many hours together, I am still gobsmacked she would think I would do such a thing.
I have been really upset all day, teary and I feel really awful, I feel llike a monster and I really am not.
Hopefully my job interview will go better tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Hospitals, changes, the beat goes on
Wow so much to write where do I start LOL. Lets hope me brain does not go faster than my fingers and I will start from yesterday.
I had an angiogram yesterday to rule out pulmonary hypertension. Had to be at the hospital at 7am, so it was an early start in this house. Everyone was up at 5am and I had to have a shower before we got to the hospital to be clean and shiney for the procedure. We dropped the kids next door as Daryl was going to drop me off at the hospital then come back home to take them to school then back to the hospital to stay with me.
Now last time I had a angiogram I had a massive panic attack on the table just as the procedure started. It took me completely by surprise, I had never had one before, and quite frankly never would like one again. this time I was prepared and told them what happened.
I was taken into a room with a bed, told to put on a stunning *cough* purple gown, and very sexy paper undies. then a lovely nurse came and took all my details and went through the happenings of the day.
I told her about my panic attack, also about the fact I have spondolitis of my spine which makes it very painful to lay flat on my back after the procedure, which is a must. She was lovely and said she would speak to the doctor.
Now I was very calm which rather surprised me, I was not nervous yet, I had a small headache, and felt slightly ill, that would have been anxiety. So a lovely doctor came to chat to me, and he expressed concern that my INR levels were high and he was unsure if the procedure would go ahead as with INR being high I was at a greater risk of bleeding. My vascular Doctor was being called down to consult. He told me if it did go ahead I would be given oral vitamin K to lower my INR thus thickening my blood and making the procedure safer.
He also said that they would give me valium before the procdeure to help with anxiety, even though I did tell him I had it last time and it did diddly squat.
So My vasular Doctor came down and decided that we would go ahead and do the right heart pressure check, and he in fact would do the procedure. He ordered a drip to be put in to keep me hydrated and to allow them to administer a relaxant when the procedure was done.
I must say vitamin k tastes absolutley disgusting.
So I go to have the procedure done, I am on a teeny table drapped in a sterile sheet, painted with chlorhexadine. Right about now the panic starts, my breathing starts to quicken and my heart rate starts to raise. The doctor comes in and the tears start. He tells me he os going to give me a local, I feel the prick and sting and its all over, I start panting, desperatley trying to keep it together, panting and trying not to move, he stops immediatley and they give me something via the drip but its too late, My pulse is fast, I am trying not to hyperventilate, and stay calm, the doctor pushes on with what he is doing and I can hear myself making little nosies. It was awful. Finally he says its all over. I am so relieved, my fingers are cramped from holding each other hard. My head is pounding.
I am taken to recovery where a nurse puts lots of pressure on my groin where the sheath still is. after 10 mins they remove it and apply pressure for another 10 mins. Apparently I am not bleeding much, I am raised ever so slightly and told I have to lay flat for an hour, then I can sit up.
by now it is 5pm, I have been here since 7am and I just want to go home.
We have to see the doctor first to get results, so finally he comes to see us and lets us know......NO you do not have pulmonary hypertension, the pressures in the right side of your heart are normal. However, the pressures in the left side are slightly elevated. Not ebough for us to be very concerned about, but we will keep an eye on it.
It can be casue by a few things, being over weight.Tick I have that, unhealthy eating....Tick I have that as well, and the biggie, sleep aponea,......more than likely have that. So he has ordered a sleep study to be done. I snore, I am always tired, I have fuzzy brain, I tick all the box's for aponea.
I am finally allowed to go home with a list of don;t do's. Dags comes to get me and off we go.
ON the way home he mentions that he thinks he has something in his eye, it is very very red and angry, it has been like it all day, but we put it down to him being tired. So we get home and his eye is really giving him grief, he thinks maybe a piece of metal got in it the night before at work. I put some drops in it for him and we both go to bed.
This morning is is red raw and swollen, so while we are grocery shopping we stop in at a optomotrist and have it looked at. Yep piece of metal in it, optomotrist is able to get some of the metal aout, but it is in very deep, and he is worried abot casueing permanent eye damage so reffers hubby to PA hospital (where I was yesterday) Eye Emergency department to get the rest out.
So home we come, Hubby calls work and explains whats happening, The OH&S lady comes and picks him up and takes him to the hospital. (one of the don'ts for me is do not drive untill Thurday). So from 12pm he is at the hospital. The hospital remove the last piece of metal from his eye.....it is very deep. Give him some antibiotic drops and send him home. No patch, no nothing. His eye is so sore he is walking around with all the lights off and dark sunnies on, becasue the slightest bit of light really hurts him :(((((((.
So thats the last 2 days in a nut shell. I need to loose a shit load of weight, and totally overhaul my lifestyle, and DH has a really sore eye.
Ho HUM.........
I had an angiogram yesterday to rule out pulmonary hypertension. Had to be at the hospital at 7am, so it was an early start in this house. Everyone was up at 5am and I had to have a shower before we got to the hospital to be clean and shiney for the procedure. We dropped the kids next door as Daryl was going to drop me off at the hospital then come back home to take them to school then back to the hospital to stay with me.
Now last time I had a angiogram I had a massive panic attack on the table just as the procedure started. It took me completely by surprise, I had never had one before, and quite frankly never would like one again. this time I was prepared and told them what happened.
I was taken into a room with a bed, told to put on a stunning *cough* purple gown, and very sexy paper undies. then a lovely nurse came and took all my details and went through the happenings of the day.
I told her about my panic attack, also about the fact I have spondolitis of my spine which makes it very painful to lay flat on my back after the procedure, which is a must. She was lovely and said she would speak to the doctor.
Now I was very calm which rather surprised me, I was not nervous yet, I had a small headache, and felt slightly ill, that would have been anxiety. So a lovely doctor came to chat to me, and he expressed concern that my INR levels were high and he was unsure if the procedure would go ahead as with INR being high I was at a greater risk of bleeding. My vascular Doctor was being called down to consult. He told me if it did go ahead I would be given oral vitamin K to lower my INR thus thickening my blood and making the procedure safer.
He also said that they would give me valium before the procdeure to help with anxiety, even though I did tell him I had it last time and it did diddly squat.
So My vasular Doctor came down and decided that we would go ahead and do the right heart pressure check, and he in fact would do the procedure. He ordered a drip to be put in to keep me hydrated and to allow them to administer a relaxant when the procedure was done.
I must say vitamin k tastes absolutley disgusting.
So I go to have the procedure done, I am on a teeny table drapped in a sterile sheet, painted with chlorhexadine. Right about now the panic starts, my breathing starts to quicken and my heart rate starts to raise. The doctor comes in and the tears start. He tells me he os going to give me a local, I feel the prick and sting and its all over, I start panting, desperatley trying to keep it together, panting and trying not to move, he stops immediatley and they give me something via the drip but its too late, My pulse is fast, I am trying not to hyperventilate, and stay calm, the doctor pushes on with what he is doing and I can hear myself making little nosies. It was awful. Finally he says its all over. I am so relieved, my fingers are cramped from holding each other hard. My head is pounding.
I am taken to recovery where a nurse puts lots of pressure on my groin where the sheath still is. after 10 mins they remove it and apply pressure for another 10 mins. Apparently I am not bleeding much, I am raised ever so slightly and told I have to lay flat for an hour, then I can sit up.
by now it is 5pm, I have been here since 7am and I just want to go home.
We have to see the doctor first to get results, so finally he comes to see us and lets us know......NO you do not have pulmonary hypertension, the pressures in the right side of your heart are normal. However, the pressures in the left side are slightly elevated. Not ebough for us to be very concerned about, but we will keep an eye on it.
It can be casue by a few things, being over weight.Tick I have that, unhealthy eating....Tick I have that as well, and the biggie, sleep aponea,......more than likely have that. So he has ordered a sleep study to be done. I snore, I am always tired, I have fuzzy brain, I tick all the box's for aponea.
I am finally allowed to go home with a list of don;t do's. Dags comes to get me and off we go.
ON the way home he mentions that he thinks he has something in his eye, it is very very red and angry, it has been like it all day, but we put it down to him being tired. So we get home and his eye is really giving him grief, he thinks maybe a piece of metal got in it the night before at work. I put some drops in it for him and we both go to bed.
This morning is is red raw and swollen, so while we are grocery shopping we stop in at a optomotrist and have it looked at. Yep piece of metal in it, optomotrist is able to get some of the metal aout, but it is in very deep, and he is worried abot casueing permanent eye damage so reffers hubby to PA hospital (where I was yesterday) Eye Emergency department to get the rest out.
So home we come, Hubby calls work and explains whats happening, The OH&S lady comes and picks him up and takes him to the hospital. (one of the don'ts for me is do not drive untill Thurday). So from 12pm he is at the hospital. The hospital remove the last piece of metal from his eye.....it is very deep. Give him some antibiotic drops and send him home. No patch, no nothing. His eye is so sore he is walking around with all the lights off and dark sunnies on, becasue the slightest bit of light really hurts him :(((((((.
So thats the last 2 days in a nut shell. I need to loose a shit load of weight, and totally overhaul my lifestyle, and DH has a really sore eye.
Ho HUM.........
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