Easter is over, school is back, and its cold.

So the 5 day long weekend is over, the kids went back to school today, and finally it is COLD!. Yes I am a little weird becasue I like the cold. Have spend all day doing a whole lot of not much, called work and told them I can;t work on the 3rd becasue it is my Daughters birthday and she begged me not to work. I go to Sydney the next day to get the scans to see how my veins are holding up and see if I have any blockages anywhere as well.

My very good friend is doing the scans for me (this me going to Sydney) because she is the best radiographer in her field, and veins is her specialty. As I can't seem to get any answers here, I may just get some down there. My knee is still really sore and I can;t lean on it at all. I went to bend down today to help Dags and alost collapsed when I leant on it, it bought tears to my eyes. Stupid body.

We go to Melbourne in a few weeks, Daryl is taking leave without pay, so heaven knows how we are going to pay the mortgage and bills ect, let alone fill the car, and pay incidentals on the way, but I am trying not to think about it too much. I still have to get the girls a dress to wear, but another friend of mine in Melbourne has offered to make them a beautiful pagan style dress each which will look lovely on them. Just have to get dags a suit.

It is going to be cold in Melb and the girls have no winter clothes so I am looking out for jumpers and pants for them. They also need to get a pair of boots each. *sigh*. Today I heard that Mortgage rates may be going up, and the cost of living has risen by some stupid amount as well. I mean where does the government think people get money to afford to live?

I was thinking today about things I need as well but are not importnant in the grand scale. I would like a few more blue candles for healing as mine in getting very sad. I would like another aromatherapy burner for my alter to burn wax melts also for healing rituals and I need some more dragons blood wax melts, also for healing for my alter. It would be nice to have $1grand just to spend on myself totally guilt free LOL

A candle lit for all my friends who need strength, warmth, and healing.

so a question

how do you start to like yourself? So many have said you must love yourself in order to heal, I wonder how does one even begin to like oneself??????? No really a serious question how do you? If you have the answer and I mean seriously please share with the class becasue I have no idea at all.

Endone daze

Endone makes me teary, it also bombs me out which is what I want to be. I can't stop weeping, the tears come anytime now I have no control at all they just roll down my face. Last night the girls asked if I was crying and I lied and said no I had sore eyes. I get a headache from trying to hold them in. I take 2 endone at a time so I am bombed enough not to feel and care. I am too old for this,

yes its confirmed, I am nothing but a inconvienience

conversation this afternoon.

DH: what do you want me to do with the snitzles for dinner this afternoon?

ME: what ever is easiest or you

DH: what is easiest is being able to go straight to work and not have to do this shit again. :(.

Seems there is no effort being taken to even hide how angry he is at me now. When people ask what did you do to your knee and I say I fell down the stair, he says....No she didn;t fall down them, she was walking alnong and just didn;t see them, so stepped off them and landed on her knee, in that oh so sarcastic tone. A few times now when I have told people on the phone ect, he said to me, so did they say you are an idiot?, I would have. He is so very angry at me

Soooooooooo Once again I am broken

So after my first week of work wich went well and looking forward to another week I have hurt myself again.

On friday we went to a parent teacher interview at school and we were walking out. I was not concentrating or something I don't know and I didn;t see two steps and I completely missed them. I fell dom them from the top to the bottom and landed very heavily on my knees. It hurt like a son of a bitch as well. When I first fell hubby said really angry oh FFS then very quickly changed to are you ok are you hurt?. I knew he was angry, I knew he was thinking great not again. I said no I am fine as I got to my feet trying to see how hurt I actually was. I felt sore but ok and so hobbled to the car in tears, not because I was in pain, but becasue I knew this was going to end bad and I knew hubby would be really mad at me. I went home to get changed because I was soaking wet then I had to go to get my hair cut. I was still not hurting too bad, just stinging when I had impacted. So went and got my hair cut, then met friends for coffee.

By now the pain was starting to really kick in, in my left knee, the adrenalin had started to wear off i suspect. We went to leave and I could not weight bare at all. I was in tears I could not walk. I knew I had to go to a medical centre and I knew dh was angry that I fell down stairs in the first place..........yes a really stupid thing to do.

So off we go to the medical centre. They have a look at it and send me for a xray. The xray does not show an abvious fracture, but I can't weight bare at all now. They tell me to stay off it for a few days and take panadol.

Now becasue I am on warfarin and have already had a DVT I am now at a increased risk of another, so I decided to go and get a second opinion from my GP as I am not happy with the doctor from the medical centre.

so we go to my GP, she looks at xray and tells me there is something on my xray and there is a possible fracture. I have to have it re xrayed in 5 days when the ross swelling is down a bot. She also believes the swelling is blood as well as fluid becasue of the warfarin and for that reason it will mask a fracture.

so no work for me this week, I am here with my leg elevated and once again on crutches. DH is narky with the world, but I suspect it is actually with me. there has been a few off the cuff comments made in jest but they cut deep with me.

I know I am an idiot for falling down the stairs, I realise this I also realise that DH now has more to do around the house and may loose money at work, I know this has been on going for almost three years becasue of injuries for me. I am starting to think I am just an complete idiot.

1st week of work

Well its Thursday and I should be at work, but I am not. My body has decided that 3 days or 24 hours a week is enough. Monday night I was sore and very tired when I got home, feet were swollen and I had numbness in both feet. I went to bed early. Tuesday was the same, back was very sore, feet and left leg were numb and back was very very sore. Last night was bad. My hips were aching something shocking, my left leg felt really heavy from my hip down and the ache was really painful, like when you sit on your feet and they "fall asleep" I was actually dragging the leg a little as the feeling had started to go in it. I was also having a great deal of trouble weight bearing on my left foot becasue of the pain in the leg but also becasue of the depressed feeling over all. My pelvis and hips were also very painful. Today my back is still really painful, it is hard for me to bend and be on my feet for extended periods of time. I think I am going to have to only work 24 hours a week only.

Other than that it was great, I really enjoyed it, even the brain overload. LOL. We shall see how we go next week.

A challenge

Ok this is a challenge that A friend of mine is doing on FB and I have decided to do the same only here on my blog please feel free to do the same challenge, or follow mine of you wish. :) I will try do do it every night.

So tomorrow is Monday

Yep tomorrow is Monday, and I start work as a casual Dental Nurse for QLD Health. I am happy but also very anxious and nervous as well. It has been three years since I was working apart from the two months I worked before I fractured my ankle. I am working casual which means day to day, but the area I am working in recently lost their three casuals and one of them was working every day, they did ask me would I be happy to work Mon - Thurs if needed and I said hell yeah. I just hope my back holds up, that is the biggest issue I have, and the thing that will stop me from working.

Friday out of the blue I got a letter from the hospital saying I had to go in for a Brain angiogram, so it seems suddenly they are going to check up on my aneurysum at long last, and of course it is now just as I am due to start a new job. So in three weeks I go to have a scan and see the neuro surgeon to see if they are going to do anything about the blip (aneurysum) or just leave it and hope I never have a bleed, it has only taken them 12 months to do anything about it.

Today I weighed myself and I was horrified and appaled at how much I weigh and how much weight I have gained. I don't understand how I let myself get this big and why, I don't understand why I have let myself go so much. Its no wonder I loath myself so much and by the gods I hate myself at the moment, I simply can't stand myself at all. I do the whole I will loose weight, I will eat well and blah blah blah blah, but it never happens, becasue for me food is like a drug. Stuff is still happening at home as well, and its true when you are in a bad headspace you do eat, comfort eating is sometimes all you have.

So tomorrow I start work, perhaps the start of new things? wouldn't it be nice.