Its been a while hasn't it. I have no idea what energy is at play at the moment but so many people are ratty, unhappy, teary, and generally out of sorts.....me included. Many thought it was the super full moon that we have just had, the moon was the closest to the earth for the first time in years and it seems to have created whole lot of chaotic energy.
We are now heading into a dark moon and still the choas of emotions remains for many people. so many are edgy and totally out of sorts, angry, sad, teary, overly emotional. Its just awful.
I am the same way, last week I had a day off rage, I have issues here at home, I am tired of the same old same old, I am wondering when does it all get too much, how much is too much and what happens when it is? Whatever this shift in energy is I wish it would bugger off.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
PMDD
Pre Menstral Dysphoric Disorder. Sounds bad huh.....well it is, it is nasty, awful and I hate it. In me it manifests as rage, pure white hot uncontrollable rage, it is overwhelming, irrational, and awful.
I have it right now, that rage, I know it is irrational, yet I am powerless to stop it, I want to lash out, I am aggressive, abusive, enraged at stupid little things. This is PMDD. I am on medication for it, it has been working for years and now for the past few days it seems to be back with a vengance.
The kids are coping the brunt of the rage, I explode at stupid things, and I can;t stop or help myself from exploding. Screamming like a mental creature. I can no more fly to the moon than stop this rage. I thought it was over, I thought the meds had it under control.
I want to stab sharp things into myself, bang my head against a wall. I want to howl, scream, throw things.
I feel llike I am loosing my mind all over again
I have it right now, that rage, I know it is irrational, yet I am powerless to stop it, I want to lash out, I am aggressive, abusive, enraged at stupid little things. This is PMDD. I am on medication for it, it has been working for years and now for the past few days it seems to be back with a vengance.
The kids are coping the brunt of the rage, I explode at stupid things, and I can;t stop or help myself from exploding. Screamming like a mental creature. I can no more fly to the moon than stop this rage. I thought it was over, I thought the meds had it under control.
I want to stab sharp things into myself, bang my head against a wall. I want to howl, scream, throw things.
I feel llike I am loosing my mind all over again
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
DArius
I am posting this so I do not forget
Darius is the man in my dream last night a very vivid and real dream I can;t get out of my mind. It was not romantic but this Darius made me feel safe and loved, like everything was ok when he was there. The year 1992 also came up in the dream in bold writing.
In the dream I was walking down a Alley/Street in the wrong part of town, it was night. I was approached by two people out of the shadows a Girl and I can;t remember the other one. They asked me if my name was Jenelle Hotson and when I said yes they grew very excited and asked me to stay here a second.
They disappeared up some stairs that I had not noticed into a doorway and came back down with a guy. Like them he was dressed shabby, and he was dirty, they looked like they lived on the streets but at no time was I afraid or threatened.
He had in his hand a faded crumpled piece of red paper, and he asked me was my name jenelle Hotson. I said yes and he smiled a stunningly beautiful mile and said I have been a fan of yours for years.
I was confused becasue I didn;t know him and had no idea why he should be a fan of mine. He saw this and showed me the piece of paper he was carrying. It was an old programme from a play or musical and the 1992 jumped out at me. I have no idea what it was (the play).
He said he saw me in that and he had been a fan ever since, he said he liked the way I muffed my lines becasue I was so nervous. In the dream I had no recollection of dong the play but my name was on the progame so I just figured I had forgotten.
I then went with him and the other two and he made me feel safe, warm and loved, like nothing could harm me. It was in no way romantic at all, I actually can;t explain it.
I met others like them, dirty dressed in odd assortment of clothes, some with sores and sick, others just street people. All lived in the room at the top of the stairs and all were absolutely lovey people. This Darius was kind of there leader, but not really. He was the one they went to for advice ect.
The dream is still so vivid, espcially Darius, I can call him up and can still see him so clearly, it makes me teary when I do becasue of how he makes me feel (again not romantic).
So now I am wondering who is Darius.
Darius is the man in my dream last night a very vivid and real dream I can;t get out of my mind. It was not romantic but this Darius made me feel safe and loved, like everything was ok when he was there. The year 1992 also came up in the dream in bold writing.
In the dream I was walking down a Alley/Street in the wrong part of town, it was night. I was approached by two people out of the shadows a Girl and I can;t remember the other one. They asked me if my name was Jenelle Hotson and when I said yes they grew very excited and asked me to stay here a second.
They disappeared up some stairs that I had not noticed into a doorway and came back down with a guy. Like them he was dressed shabby, and he was dirty, they looked like they lived on the streets but at no time was I afraid or threatened.
He had in his hand a faded crumpled piece of red paper, and he asked me was my name jenelle Hotson. I said yes and he smiled a stunningly beautiful mile and said I have been a fan of yours for years.
I was confused becasue I didn;t know him and had no idea why he should be a fan of mine. He saw this and showed me the piece of paper he was carrying. It was an old programme from a play or musical and the 1992 jumped out at me. I have no idea what it was (the play).
He said he saw me in that and he had been a fan ever since, he said he liked the way I muffed my lines becasue I was so nervous. In the dream I had no recollection of dong the play but my name was on the progame so I just figured I had forgotten.
I then went with him and the other two and he made me feel safe, warm and loved, like nothing could harm me. It was in no way romantic at all, I actually can;t explain it.
I met others like them, dirty dressed in odd assortment of clothes, some with sores and sick, others just street people. All lived in the room at the top of the stairs and all were absolutely lovey people. This Darius was kind of there leader, but not really. He was the one they went to for advice ect.
The dream is still so vivid, espcially Darius, I can call him up and can still see him so clearly, it makes me teary when I do becasue of how he makes me feel (again not romantic).
So now I am wondering who is Darius.
Monday, March 14, 2011
At Last
The woman was tired, she ached and her eyes hurt from crying so much. there were no more tears left, they had dried up a few hours ago, but still she wandered through the woods, not knowing or caring where she was going.
The deeper she went, the more her heart ached, she just wanted to escape from all the pain, from the aching in her heart, and the terrible sadness in her soul, so deeper into the forest she walked.
Many eyes watched the woman as she walked with her head down, she did not see them but they watched her, wondering why she had come. Still she walked.
At last she started to slow down, and then stop. She looked up and around and was surprised to see that she was deep within the forest, then sun hidden above the trees and leaves. She looked around and spied a great old tree. His trunk was gnarled, and rough, his roots rose abouve the ground in many places, but he stood large and strong.
The woman sat with her back against the old tree nestled amoung his roots. Finally she lay her head down, and exhausted let her eyes close.
The old tree shivered gently, he could feel the womans sadness, and her fear. He whispered to her in her dreams and lowered his branches to cover her. The woman at last was safe He would stand watching over her, he would whisper her hurts away, and his ancient magick would heal her. The woman sighed in her sleep and cuddled into the trees trunk.
The deeper she went, the more her heart ached, she just wanted to escape from all the pain, from the aching in her heart, and the terrible sadness in her soul, so deeper into the forest she walked.
Many eyes watched the woman as she walked with her head down, she did not see them but they watched her, wondering why she had come. Still she walked.
At last she started to slow down, and then stop. She looked up and around and was surprised to see that she was deep within the forest, then sun hidden above the trees and leaves. She looked around and spied a great old tree. His trunk was gnarled, and rough, his roots rose abouve the ground in many places, but he stood large and strong.
The woman sat with her back against the old tree nestled amoung his roots. Finally she lay her head down, and exhausted let her eyes close.
The old tree shivered gently, he could feel the womans sadness, and her fear. He whispered to her in her dreams and lowered his branches to cover her. The woman at last was safe He would stand watching over her, he would whisper her hurts away, and his ancient magick would heal her. The woman sighed in her sleep and cuddled into the trees trunk.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Sunday
Well its Sunday Afternoon, hubby has been in Sydney since Thursday, a trip he does every years. Its a annual golf trip away with his dad. He comes back tomorrow afternoon straight to work.
I went to mums yesterday just to get away from the house and have a little visit. It was nice. I love to go to mums. Her house is sooooo tidy and orderly, its quiet and peacful. We took the kids swimming yesterday which was nice the kids had fun as did mum. Last night the kids were knackered. Erin wet her bed even though she had her pull ups on and so came into me at some stage.
That child kicks, slaps, talks, and tosses all night so I got very sleep, so now I have a killer headache and I am soooo tired.
Erin see's the Kidney specialist on Tuesday to check out her duplicated kidney, and find out about this bed wetting and also the wetting when she laughs coughs ect ect. It will be nice to have some answers.
My phone shat itself at mums, it is only 3 months old and all the colour seems to have gone from the screen, it was working fine then poof not. So I have to go and see Optus tomorrow to get the damn thing fixed Stupid samsung.....I knew I should have got a nokia.
So now I have washing to fold, uniforms to iron, dinner to make and lunches to get ready for tomorrow, oooh and I must remember I need to have a blood test tomorrow as well.
I went to mums yesterday just to get away from the house and have a little visit. It was nice. I love to go to mums. Her house is sooooo tidy and orderly, its quiet and peacful. We took the kids swimming yesterday which was nice the kids had fun as did mum. Last night the kids were knackered. Erin wet her bed even though she had her pull ups on and so came into me at some stage.
That child kicks, slaps, talks, and tosses all night so I got very sleep, so now I have a killer headache and I am soooo tired.
Erin see's the Kidney specialist on Tuesday to check out her duplicated kidney, and find out about this bed wetting and also the wetting when she laughs coughs ect ect. It will be nice to have some answers.
My phone shat itself at mums, it is only 3 months old and all the colour seems to have gone from the screen, it was working fine then poof not. So I have to go and see Optus tomorrow to get the damn thing fixed Stupid samsung.....I knew I should have got a nokia.
So now I have washing to fold, uniforms to iron, dinner to make and lunches to get ready for tomorrow, oooh and I must remember I need to have a blood test tomorrow as well.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Don;t want to be here there or anywhere
Feelling awful, still have a headache, not really bad, but enough to be bothersome and a pain in the butt. I want to crawl into bed and sleep disapear into dreams and just be no where. I feel very blah, teary, horrid and not wanting to be here at all really. Everything is an effort, and quite frankly I don't want to make an effort anymore, I just want to lay down and go to sleep for a while and just be nothing and be nowhere. It will be bedtime soon then I can do exactly that for a few hours anyway.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
A old dog new tricks
So today finished two days of induction for QLD Health of which I am now employed on a casual basis as a dental nurse.
I forgot how much I love dental nursing and how much I miss it untill I went back yesterday and the smell hit me, the smell most people hate and strikes fear into the hearts of many, but I love. The sound of the drill, the noise, the chemicals everything. LOL. So First day of induction was organising Id cards (photo's yuk) and learning all aboout infection control. Man have things changed a whole lot since I was a full time nurse all those years ago. It is a whole new far stricker world now and this old dog has many new things to learn.
I am excited to be working for the Govt, and I am hoping really hard that I will one day land a perm part time position. At the moment I am in a pool of casuals who will be called as needed, so work will only come every now and then. I had to get fitted for a uniform as well which was blah but apart from that it was a great two days.
Dags goes to Sydney on Thursday supposedly to play golf like he does every year with his step dad, but T. is really unwell so they may just end up spending some time together which will be good. Bad thing is he will not get paid for it. I need to get around $100 woth of meds this week as well. I was hoping that some of my wands may have sold but it was not to be.
I need to go and have a blood test tomorrow just my INR test, but I may put that off to Monday, and I may even stretch out the meds to last untill Monday as well.
I think the Two days orientation pay will be paid next F/N so that will come in handy.
I forgot how much I love dental nursing and how much I miss it untill I went back yesterday and the smell hit me, the smell most people hate and strikes fear into the hearts of many, but I love. The sound of the drill, the noise, the chemicals everything. LOL. So First day of induction was organising Id cards (photo's yuk) and learning all aboout infection control. Man have things changed a whole lot since I was a full time nurse all those years ago. It is a whole new far stricker world now and this old dog has many new things to learn.
I am excited to be working for the Govt, and I am hoping really hard that I will one day land a perm part time position. At the moment I am in a pool of casuals who will be called as needed, so work will only come every now and then. I had to get fitted for a uniform as well which was blah but apart from that it was a great two days.
Dags goes to Sydney on Thursday supposedly to play golf like he does every year with his step dad, but T. is really unwell so they may just end up spending some time together which will be good. Bad thing is he will not get paid for it. I need to get around $100 woth of meds this week as well. I was hoping that some of my wands may have sold but it was not to be.
I need to go and have a blood test tomorrow just my INR test, but I may put that off to Monday, and I may even stretch out the meds to last untill Monday as well.
I think the Two days orientation pay will be paid next F/N so that will come in handy.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I am not stupid
Thats right........I am not stuid and if you keep talking to me like I am, one day I will stay silent no more and leave. So I can't do math, no I don;t understand it, I didn;t at school and I don;t now. So when you are trying to explain so I can help Abby with her home work, don;t get all exasperated and yell you have to be fucking kidding me, how can you not understand.
You know thats the exact reason why I didn;t learn at school, that exact fucking attitude from teachers, and its not only Abby's homework, it s everything, So I can;t read a street directory and get confused so fucking what, don;t ask me to read the damn thing, you know I just get you frustrated. It really is starting to piss me off, it really is, do not talk to me in that condecending tone. I am not stupid, you are not always right, as much as you like to think you are.....you are not, do not talk over me when you think you are cause it is really starting to tick me off.
Everyone in this house children inclused treat me like I am no more than a maid, here to clean up, pick up and nothing more and I am reaching the end of my teather.
I know you will have no money to go to Sydney with next week.......how is that my fault? bills have to be paid, the mortgage has to be paid......what am I supposed to do about that, snide remarks don;t help. I am so close to saying screw you and walking out its not funny, I have really had enough.......what stops me, the words of my 8 year old daughter, in tears asking me mummy are you going to leave me........please don;t becasue I would be heartbroken if you did and don;t know what I would do. Thats what stops me. She is already having nightmares about being left behind and her parents leaving......Why? Becasue she hears the way you speak to me and every time she asks me in a whisper.....why is daddy so mad at you. I say to her you need to ask him honey, you need to talk to him about it,.
I am fucking over it, over everything. Finished
You know thats the exact reason why I didn;t learn at school, that exact fucking attitude from teachers, and its not only Abby's homework, it s everything, So I can;t read a street directory and get confused so fucking what, don;t ask me to read the damn thing, you know I just get you frustrated. It really is starting to piss me off, it really is, do not talk to me in that condecending tone. I am not stupid, you are not always right, as much as you like to think you are.....you are not, do not talk over me when you think you are cause it is really starting to tick me off.
Everyone in this house children inclused treat me like I am no more than a maid, here to clean up, pick up and nothing more and I am reaching the end of my teather.
I know you will have no money to go to Sydney with next week.......how is that my fault? bills have to be paid, the mortgage has to be paid......what am I supposed to do about that, snide remarks don;t help. I am so close to saying screw you and walking out its not funny, I have really had enough.......what stops me, the words of my 8 year old daughter, in tears asking me mummy are you going to leave me........please don;t becasue I would be heartbroken if you did and don;t know what I would do. Thats what stops me. She is already having nightmares about being left behind and her parents leaving......Why? Becasue she hears the way you speak to me and every time she asks me in a whisper.....why is daddy so mad at you. I say to her you need to ask him honey, you need to talk to him about it,.
I am fucking over it, over everything. Finished
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