Well its been almost 12 months since I came close toloosing Jarrah to a teeny tiny critter called a tick. Then I got lazy, and couldn't be bothered writing what I thought. My thoughts were not that interesting anyway, and as usualy they were scattered, like leaves in a breeze, all over the place. Perfectly coherent in my head , but as soon as I tried to place them out of my head they turn to rambleings of nothing, so I stopped. Buth this morning, as the sun shines and I find myself home alone, I feel as though I am drowning, and I have so much to say, well in my head I do, many words, many things, but getting them from my head to anywhere else is a real challenge, and still I feel like I can;t treat water for much longer. its funny people say whats wrong, and I say nothing.......becasue in all honesty I have no idea how to answer. what do you say, everything, nothing, I don;t know, becasue its not one thing, its many many things and jumbled together, all spinning together faster and faster, and somethinges something else gets added to the mix, and it never stops. Perhaps its just me, perhaps I am just a drama queen and should just "get on with it", that thought crosses my mind daily. I seem to be coming increasingly invisable, and although I have never activly thought about topping myself (Guilt would never let me do it) I o ften think about just not being here anymore, and if anyone would actually really miss me deep down after the normal mourning period. This thought is almost a daily thought now, but it will never happen becasue People would get angry at me, and so guilt makes me not take the thoughts any further. Good ole me always thinking of everyone else and making sure I do whatever it takes to make them happy. Cause thats what you do right? I suspect its not really ok to be sad every day, to cry at nothing at random times. To thinnk about stopping all my meds becasue I know it will either kill me or make me really really sick..........but if you ask me whats wrong, don;t expect me to tell you. I will answer I am good. Becasue I am still upreight and breathing, I still get up in the mornings and function, and becasue I really don;t want to discuss how broken I actually am with anyone, so for now I will keep treading water, untill I sink.