Yep tomorrow is Monday, and I start work as a casual Dental Nurse for QLD Health. I am happy but also very anxious and nervous as well. It has been three years since I was working apart from the two months I worked before I fractured my ankle. I am working casual which means day to day, but the area I am working in recently lost their three casuals and one of them was working every day, they did ask me would I be happy to work Mon - Thurs if needed and I said hell yeah. I just hope my back holds up, that is the biggest issue I have, and the thing that will stop me from working.
Friday out of the blue I got a letter from the hospital saying I had to go in for a Brain angiogram, so it seems suddenly they are going to check up on my aneurysum at long last, and of course it is now just as I am due to start a new job. So in three weeks I go to have a scan and see the neuro surgeon to see if they are going to do anything about the blip (aneurysum) or just leave it and hope I never have a bleed, it has only taken them 12 months to do anything about it.
Today I weighed myself and I was horrified and appaled at how much I weigh and how much weight I have gained. I don't understand how I let myself get this big and why, I don't understand why I have let myself go so much. Its no wonder I loath myself so much and by the gods I hate myself at the moment, I simply can't stand myself at all. I do the whole I will loose weight, I will eat well and blah blah blah blah, but it never happens, becasue for me food is like a drug. Stuff is still happening at home as well, and its true when you are in a bad headspace you do eat, comfort eating is sometimes all you have.
So tomorrow I start work, perhaps the start of new things? wouldn't it be nice.
Good Luck for tomorrow Nell, I'm sure you will do extremely well.
ReplyDeleteWeight....it is a problem, especially when your home life is not a happy one - it's a catch 22 situation isn't it - you eat because you aren't happy, then you aren't happy because you eat - it's very hard to gain self respect when it seems no-one around you respects you or is loving and supportive of you - your self worth comes into a negative play...I know...I've been there!!...unfortunately, the drugs you have been on over the last year or so contribute to the weight gain also.
I reckon once you get into this job that you will meet positive people who will give you a new outlook on life - then you can start to love yourself again....I know this doesn't really help you - but I love you my friend - I feel blessed to have found you :o)
Have a great week my precious xxxx
BB )O(
Annette.