F.A.I.L

Well today has turned out to be one huge F.A.I.L.

So here I was thinking that my husband was still in love with me, don't get me wrong I think he may still love me but not be in love with me. I guess I have suspected as much for a while really. I mean the whole not working for two years, constantly being sick, costing so much money health wise and stuff has got to put a strain on a marriage.

The way he speaks to me at times, the whole passive aggresive thing, the way he looks at me sometimes, I mean maybe I am just a hopeless romantic but honestly I thought when you loved someone you just didn't speak to them like that, and if you did out of anger, you apologised. I have been made to feel guilty for so long, and although I don't think it is intentional, the fact is it is happening more and more.

At first I thought I was being super paranoid and sensative about him not being in love with me anymore, and always seeming to be angry with me, and talking to me in a barely controlled angry voice, but when your 8year old asks Mum why is Daddy always angry with you.....well you can't pretend anymore can you.

Sad thing is we don't talk about anything, he won't he just gets really angry and clams up, and me......well I just cry and cry and simply can't speak.

He tells me all the time he loves me, and I ask myself really, is this what love is? perhaps my expectations are too high and I am after television romance and it simply does not exsist.

Today we have been married 10 years, for me thats a huge dea;, and in my ideal world we would have had a romantic weekend away this coming weekend that we both would be excited about. This morning would have been all mushy with cuddles and remembering our wedding. I bought him a beautiful card, and left it on his computer for when he got home for work this morning.

In reality there was nothing, except him checking the bank account this morning and quizzing me on money that had been spent, when he realized I had spent $57 the who;e passive aggressive came out...."well we were going out for lunch", but we won't be now. stomping around then sat down and watched TV till I left to pick up the kids.

I felt just like a naughty kid being punished, and it hit me right then, I don;t think my husband is in love with me at all. Its our 10th wedding anniversary and the man I am in love with so much, does not feel the same. I went and picked up the kids weeping all the way
went to the doctors, took the kids to maccas, where surprise they were whinging as well, and I was thinking you know, if I went home and took all the pills in my little box, who would give a fuck really......sure people would be surprised and shocked, but after a week or so, who would actually care. Then the guilt hit, my mum would be devistated as would the girls and in all honestly I could never harm another human like that so even though I thought it, my own guilt would assure I never did anything like it.

But right now, I simply feel deflated and hollow, and incredibly sad.

I think I need to drastically lower my expectations of what love is, it is not all flowers, and I love you's, and sweep of your feet romance it seems. Reality is much harsher.