A fractured soul

Yes indeed thats how I feel like my very soul is fractured, cracked in many places. Its very hard to put into words actually.

I cry most nights, when I crawl into bed when I am finally alone, kids asleep and the house is silent and I am totally alone. I deep and all encompassing sorow decends on me and I cry, sometimes I just weep, sometimes I cry, great big sobs, and I can;t stop. The type of crying that gives you a headache, gut wrenching from the soul crying. I can;t tell you why, there is not just one reason, there are many, hundreds of reasons that play like a long list that go a hundred miles an hour in my thoughts.

So what will make me happy I wonder, I mean soul happy, feeling satisfied happy, and I really don;t know. I often think, if I did not have to worry about how we are going to live day to day, not be rich but be able to pay bills and eat would be good, then perhappys I would be a little happy. To not have the guilt of not working for so long perhaps another piece of happiness,
to be thin and beautiful so my husband would love me more, another piece of happiness, to be normal and not need meds, another piece of happiness, but would it......would it really.

Perhaps I am just a sad sack, a whingy whiney sad sack even if no one ever sees it really. perhaps I am normal and in reality no one is actually happy, who knows.

Perhaps chest pain and anxiety attacks are normal, perhaps feeling like a failure and a lesser human are normal as well. Perhaps crying every night is normal.

I really don't know, I just know I feel on edge all the time, and sad.